I had a rough night last night. I feel like my moods are definitely in sync with R.'s and if he's in a mood, so am I. I'm not good at being the strong one, even though R. often tells me I'm strong. What's strong? Getting out of bed in the morning to go to work so I can keep up with my eating out habit? I do it because there is no thought. I think I am lucky to be able to be without thoughts a lot of time; others think it's strength. If I thought about my life, about losing Stella, I wouldn't do anything. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing all this daily crap anyway.
Anyway, back to last night. This heat wave is not helping anything. I am tired and cranky and sweaty all the time. I'm ready for fall and winter. I'm ready for snow and rain because it reminds me of Stella. She was born on a bright sunny day in February but she died on a rainy, gray day. Even though I more often remember it's the 13th of a month over the 25th of month, whenever it rains I feel like she's closer to me.
So, really back to last night. I got home from work and R. was laying on the bed. He has been having a tough time lately, mostly because he hates the heat too and it makes everything seem exhausting. He has said this before and it makes me cringe, he said "I don't want to go on." I know what it means and it's not like he's going to kill himself. It's just that he wants to stop everything, stop the day-to-day seemingly useless tasks. Nothing is important without our daughter.
But as I lay there with him instead of thinking of positive words to help ease him out of the funk I unleashed all my worries onto him. I often hold things inside and I don't want to tell R. about my bad thoughts if he's in a good mood. So whenever he's in a bad mood, I am too.
My worries are all in my head. There is absolutely no evidence to give weight to any of my fears except that it has all happened to others before me. I'm 18 weeks along and I haven't felt the baby move very much. I read that moms can often feel their second children sooner than their first. I started feeling Stella around 18 weeks but didn't fully realize it until 20 weeks. So in my mind I should be feeling this baby kick all the time now. But that's just what people say and everyone is different. And I am a lot heavier now than I was with Stella and they say that that can buffer some movement.
But it's still a worry. I am tempted to get a home doppler to listen to the baby when I get nervous but then I worry about having trouble finding the heartbeat and freaking out.
It's so very, very hard to trust in life. To trust that the universe won't fuck us over again.
We get our next ultrasound next Wednesday. Right now I am desperate for the day to come but I know up to that time next Wednesday I am going to be hyperventilating about what ifs. I used to be a what if person. What if my parents hadn't gotten divorced? What if I gotten into the ivy league school? What if I hadn't applied for the job that I didn't need where I met my husband? I dropped the what ifs when I was happy. Now they creep back: what if I stop going to work? What if I stop getting up in the morning? What if this baby dies? What if I completely lose me?
So, back to last night. We finally got out of bed and went to get burritos and browse at the bookstore. I needed a new book but everything I picked up was about death and sadness and even if it is a good book, I need the terror to be lessened a little. So instead I got Fahrenheit 451. Nothing like a good classic to rescue me from bookstore angst and provide a good story to disappear into when TV fails me.
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