I have a lot of trouble concentrating lately. I have never really been full of motivation and since Stella died it's been a hundred times worse. I feel like every day is spent waiting for the night to come to sleep and for the next day to come.
My work is boring. I work in a museum, a different museum than before Stella. I used to work in the big city and had a very, very full day of commuting to the city from a really small town. I liked my job but I hated the commute. After Stella I thought I wouldn't be able to handle the commute anymore. The thought of being on the train for an hour plus each way with 8 hours in the middle was too much. So I found a job at a smaller museum closer to home. It takes me about 30-45 minutes to get to work now driving and I love that. But I think my job is boring and I have no motivation to do anything beyond what is absolutely necessary.
This drives me slightly crazy because despite my lack of motivation I am a real people pleaser. I used to do my job in the city with, not quite pleasure, determination. I used to be more of an office manager in a curatorial office. I saw art work everyday. And not just in the galleries but behind the scenes. I moved it, touched it, did massive amounts of paperwork about it. Plus I did a hundred other things. Now I am an assistant to one person. Granted that person is the director but it's not the same. I have to call people more; I hate talking on the phone. I have to go to more events; I like to plan them and then hide in the corner. I don't touch art anymore or even really meet the artists because they all go right by me to the director. But the slower pace and nicer environment keep me here. That and I unexpectedly got pregnant the week I started here-oops!
I spend my days writing here, reading blogs, checking my email, doing some work. But mostly letting a lot of things pile up. I just don't care anymore. I don't care to please anyone. I don't care to give my all. I am waiting for January when this little one will come. That is the only thing truly motivating me.
I feel sometimes and I'm sure other people do too that we may have gotten pregnant too soon but then I think of what my life would be like without this new little life. I would be here, doing this job, probably feeling the same way but with what to look forward to? I can imagine R's talk of moving would be a lot more appealing.
1 comment:
It has been so difficult to decide when to try again. I can't make up my mind.
You are not alone. I do just enough to survive. No more, no less. The only thing that interests me anymore is BLM blogs and "talking" to other BLM. Here I am at work. Reading every word of your blog. And that is good enough for me.
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