I have a super busy week at work. Well, not that busy, I suppose, if I'm writing here! But you can go back to my lack of motivation post if there's any question about why I'm doing this instead of work. It started yesterday when I had to work an all day family event at the museum. It was fine. I was fine. Just tired after 8 hours of smiling and talking. I woke up this morning knowing the next 6 days stretched out ahead of me. Yes, I have to work another event on Saturday. It's an opening so I essentially just have to show up and I'm bringing a friend but it's work if it involves dressing up and schmoozing
I woke up this morning with dread. I sat in bed for a while looking at the pictures of Stella on the wall and I got sad. Nothing matters. I don't care about work. I don't care about hobbies. I don't care about life.
A few days ago R asked me if I minded if he went to NJ to see Phish with some friends. He said he didn't want to go and didn't want to be away from me but he felt like he deserved some fun. I freaked out a little bit. First off, I don't like this friend and not for any reason I can put my finger on. I just don't like him very much. Second, I don't want to be alone. This trip would involve R going to CT for one night for work and then to NJ for another and then home. I hate hate hate when he has to go away. The last time he was away for more than one night was June and I stayed with my mom. That was exhausting all on its own. I don't know if I want to do that again. I can go stay with my sister too I suppose. I don't know what to do. But mostly, I just don't want him to be away.
Then I thought about R's comment on how he wants to have fun. He said this on about the 500th night in a row we've rented a movie and sat on the couch doing nothing. It made me think; there's nothing that I find fun anymore. I want to have fun. I want to forget about everything. I want to stop everything for a night. It made me sad too because even though R is the only one who understands me and what happened to us, I can't make him happy. And I know that's not true. I know I make him happy but it made me sad because there is nothing we can do to forget our loss.
So on top of being generally sad about R going away and then being tired and sad this morning, not to mention the awful, awful allergies I am having right now, I was chatting with a woman I work with. She doesn't know about Stella. I have been very selective about telling people at work. She asked if we are going to find out the sex and I said no. Then she said "oh, that's great. You'll get lots of yellow and green at the baby shower." It made me stop. Ugh. Hopefully I have at least a few months before people really start asking about a baby shower. Obviously I won't have one. I don't need one and it would feel so weird to have a celebration before this baby arrives. I can always play the Jewish tradition card, thanks to R. But the questions! And the comments! My goodness!
A while ago the girl I replaced in my new position asked me if work people could throw me a shower. She knows about Stella. I told her I wasn't thrilled about the idea and we don't want or need anything but I would let her know later on. I don't know how to handle that. People want to be excited and happy and I want them to be cautious and reserved. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to smile and hear every one's advice and well wishes. I want to tell everyone to wait. Please, please wait until the baby is born healthy.
At the event yesterday, so many people said "next year you'll be here with your baby" and "better get used to all this." Losing Stella has made me so hyper aware of every comment. I hope I never make those off-hand comments again. I know now how many people are affected by pregnancy and infant loss, if they can even get pregnant!
Pregnancy is so visual and there are only going to be more comments and questions. I wish I could go off and hide for the next 4 months and come back in January with a baby.
The only good thing about all the sadness I felt today is that when I was in bed with R this morning crying I felt two good kicks from the baby. It's like the little owl was telling me to feel better. That or eat breakfast!
3 comments:
I would cry and kick and scream if my husband asked if he could leave town. I dashed up to Seattle for one night with my sister and nearly lost my mind.
I have felt the same about making my husband happy. Just recently he has started going out and doing things with friends on many weeknights and weekends. He is fine with me staying home on the couch in my sweats watching movies, but he can't do it anymore. It's an innate male thing I think - they must be on the move.
Four months is not too terribly long, but I know it feels like a lifetime. Sorry you cannot spend your time hiding out. Thinking of your sweet Owl, and precious Stella too.
Good news. He's not going after all. He said it would be too much driving and he would probably be miserable the whole night. He's not 20 years old anymore and the scene for those shows is something else. He would either be the only one not doing drugs or he's do something and be freaking out all night. I am soooooo relieved!
I also read Angela's comment and just last night I was feeling the same way. L has been going out with his friends and watching football games or eating and I just don't want to go anywhere. I feel like he's leaving me behind. He is handling his grief not better but differently and I am just a huge sad sack that he has to take care of. *sigh*
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