7 months

Today Stella would have been 7 months old. I find it odd the way certain months have hit me harder than others. The first month was by far the worst but it came and went in a very quiet way.

Then it was 3 months, then 5 months floored me and now 7 months. What is it about the odd months?

I follow other blogs with rainbow babies and one is just a few weeks older than Stella. It doesn't happen all the time but sometimes I look at the photos of that baby and think that Stella would be that big. Stella would be almost crawling. Stella would be.... I don't even know. I don't know what 7 month old babies do.

And all I want is people to remember Stella. I want people to see me pregnant now and remember Stella too. I hate to put that pressure of this little baby but for me I see Stella in all babies.

We received a named star for Stella from my husband's family friend. It came last week and I had to laugh because I feel like that same star must be named after hundreds of people. But the thought was there and the timing was perfect. At this point when it feels like people are forgetting, it's nice to have someone remember.

And for this new little baby, we had our big ultrasound last week. This is now the third hospital/doctor office we have been to. After what happened with Stella we decided to find a new place with no memories. I didn't like the first doctor or hospital we picked so now we're at another. I like the place and my new doctor but figuring out the ways of each new place is hard for me. I read into things way too much. The technician was nice and asked how old our child was (I told her this is our second pregnancy) and seemed really sorry when I told her our daughter died. We got to see a lot of views of the baby. The baby was constantly doing flips. The measurements seem to be right on track but then at the end the technician said she was going to give the results to the doctor. I have never experienced that before so I freaked out.  I kept waiting for that moment when the tech would come back in with a doctor and tell us bad news. But that didn't happen.

Does it mean everything is okay? She asked me a couple times when my next doctor's appointment was: it's today. But I'm not meeting with the doctor-just a nurse practitioner. Does that mean I won't get answers?

I need an answer to at least one question beyond is the baby okay? And it is a little silly... but not really! At the 12 week ultrasound the last doctor told me that I have a placenta previa but by the way it looks it would likely shift out of the way by this ultrasound. But because of that we should refrain from sex!! Yeah, it's been 8 weeks now and I am going a little crazy. I can't drink, I can't sit in a hot tub, I can't ride my bike at insane speeds---give me a little something I can do to relieve tension!!!

So, I'll wait for 3:15....