No more

I have always, always been a go-with-the-flow person. I'm not competitive; I don't hold grudges; I'm not quick to anger. But since Stella died I have had little patience with other peoples' issues. My point of reference was forever changed and I just can't seem to let things roll of my back anymore. This has caused more than one person in my life to drop off my radar in the past 7 months and honestly it hasn't made a huge difference to me. I have guilt about these feelings because I feel like I'm being selfish and I need to work with people on relationships. But I also feel that I deserve a little more respect than I get, especially now!

My parents are divorced and I have always had issues with my dad. He's a very aloof guy. No emotions, no talking things out, no nothing. Throughout my teenage years and beyond we have butted heads but I always just go back to seeing him because I feel like I should. I feel like I should be a good daughter even though he hasn't been a good father. And there is a big difference between being a good piggy bank and a good father. When Stella was born and was in the hospital I was really overwhelmed. I called only a couple people and sent emails to the rest of my family and friends. I just couldn't handle telling the story over and over. When she died, it was the same thing. I asked my brother to tell my dad. It took four days for my dad to call and when he did, he called R and left a nonchalant message saying "just calling to see what you guys are doing." I felt guilty because I thought maybe my brother didn't tell him and so I wrote an email explaining what happened. He replied with "I know. [Brother] told me. I was giving you space." I was livid! You hear that your granddaughter dies and you don't think to call and leave a message, or come to visit.?! Or send an email, a card, anything?! We didn't have a funeral for Stella so is that why he didn't know how to show his support?! I just don't find that as a reasonable excuse. I haven't spoken to my father since then. If he wants to give me space, then I'll take it.

Same with my brother. It took him a while to call me, which was fine because his wife called and texted and everything. But when he did call he said he was thinking of coming to visit. The time he was free to come was when we were going on on our road trip [a story for another time: a week after Stella died we packed up the car and drove west for 2 weeks.] so I said we could plan for something else. My brother works for a school and has summers off and he lives only 3 hours by car away from me. I haven't seen him. He never followed up to plan a trip down by himself or with his kids.

But for every family member or friend that has dropped off the radar a new friend or neighbor has stepped up. Our neighbors pooled their money to buy us a beautiful apple tree for Stella. We had a sitter for Alice for the 5 days we were in the hospital with Stella. We had friends cleaning the snow off our driveway. We had food dropped off at our house and hugs all the time. I reunited with an old high school friend who lost her daughter. And we've met a lot of truly nice people along this journey who do keep in touch.

And for that reason more than any other, because of those people that are sweet and understanding and there for us, I have little patience for those who continue to be self-centered.

I will apologize for saying this because that's me but I'm sorry, I can't lie down and take it anymore. When you lose a child all other problems because insignificant.