Bienvenidos a Miami

This weekend we are heading to Miami, hurricane Earl permitting, to visit R's brother and family. He is married with a 4 year old girl and a 4 month old boy. We are essentially making the trip to meet the baby because hopefully we will have a healthy baby to care for soon and we won't be able to visit.

It's going to be an emotional trip though. Neither R. or I have been around babies since Stella died. I haven't held a baby since Stella and here we are walking into the lion's den.

I don't know how I will feel when I'm there but as of right now the thought of holding the baby terrifies me. I don't want to seem rude but I don't want to hold their baby. The last time I held a baby, it was my dead daughter. I feel like I don't want to hold another baby until it's my own healthy baby. Of course, this may change when I meet the little guy but I'm not sure.

Both R. and I are on edge for other reasons too. His brother and wife live a very, very different life from us. They live in an apartment in South Beach with a doorman and a pool. They live a few notches higher than us on the economic ladder too. Not that that's an issue or anything. R. and I are very comfortable with our little house and our little dog. But it means when we visit we often have to perform to their level.

For example, R. was talking to his brother and he mentioned wanting to take us to a steak house. R. is a vegetarian and has been for 20+ years! But this is a great steak house so we "have to go." I eat meat but I don't really want to go somewhere where R. can only eat salad and mashed potatoes! Plus R. told his brother he was only bringing shorts to wear and his brother got upset because then we couldn't go to a nice restaurant. On a normal basis, R. and I are not fancy. And now going for a visit with this weight on our shoulders we are even more leery of this kind of treatment. Just order in a pizza and let's eat out by the pool.

R. has prepped his brother many times that we want a low-key visit. No special treatment. But it doesn't seem to be getting through. So I'm nervous.

Also, the wife is from Europe and has a different outlook on fashion and decorum. She often wears things that I consider way too revealing. But now because she is breastfeeding it's like the breasts make an hourly appearance. I'm not a huge fan of this behaviour. It's very prudish of me, I know, but I don't want to see any one's breasts even if it is in the magical life giving moment of breastfeeding.

But on top of that I kind of have an issue with it because of our experience. I never got to nurse Stella. I pumped when we thought we would take her home but she only ever had a few ounces of milk through her feeding tube; she didn't have a sucking reflex. I used to pump thinking it was the one little thing I could do to make our baby better. But she died and the sleepless nights and the few days of hand pumping (yikes!) and filling our freezer and the NICU freezer was for nothing.

So, I am nervous on top of my usual nerves. The plane ride: make sure I drink enough water and get up and walk and make sure R. doesn't freak out (he hates planes). The arrival: "hold the baby" and "R., eat this steak" and "why do you need time alone? You came here to see us!" and the close proximity to a baby and a cranky toddler.

However, despite all that has happened to us I am still an optimist (damn it all, even when I desperately don't want to be): I got 2 cute maternity bathing suits and I have a couple cute dresses and I can swim and get some sun and walk a lot and not go to work for a couple days.

PS-I was definitely feeling our little owl last night and I am feeling him/her again this afternoon. I am looking forward to those times when I can lay in bed before I get up in the morning and just feel the baby move inside me. And I look forward to when R. can put his hands on my belly and squeal because it's so weird.