I went into my boss's office this morning to talk about work and his upcoming trips. He finished up the short conversation by asking me if I had thought about how much time I want off after and/or before the baby. The museum is small and doesn't have a set maternity policy so it's essentially what we agree on. I have not thought about this at all and when I do my breath stops.
I put A LOT of thought in my time off with Stella. I worked at a big museum and they had a decent leave policy. I was also in talks to go back part-time because I worked so far from home and I didn't want to put Stella in daycare.
And all that went out the window. I took my 12 weeks and then quit and started this new job.
Now here I am pregnant again and wondering what to do. I still don't want to put our infant in daycare, I just don't like it financially and emotionally. Why work just to give it all to a daycare? And why have a baby just to put it in daycare? But this job I have is a one-year contract position that ends in May. I would be taking 12 weeks that end in early April. There's a good chance that the job will go past May and I think they would try to find something else for me to do if I wanted to stay. Can I work part time between April and May and then reassess? My job isn't busy all the time. What if I just came in as needed? And for events? R works from home but he can't always be home with the baby.
I know I owe a conversation to my boss for him and for the museum. But I have major anxiety about thinking about what comes after. What if we have a baby? What if we don't? This isn't as simple as "here's my plan..." R doesn't seem to really understand that. I told him what my boss asked and he gave a very good and rational way to explain to the boss what I want. But I can't see it that way. I can't think in rational terms about anything baby related. I work really hard to stay positive at work and not bring my personal problems in but this is an intensely personal decision that I have to share with work.
I don't know how I can even get through a conversation about this without crying. It's so overwhelming. I feel myself tearing up right now just thinking about it. I owe it to work to have a plan but I can't think. I don't know what I want to do.
1 comment:
The easy way no longer exists. I totally understand your anxiety though. I really do not enjoy my job, but I stay. Mostly because of the benefits and because they were good to me during my last pregnancy. That's it. I might get lucky and find something else and then get pregnant and then what?
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