Talking to the boss

It's a slow week at work again. It's funny that last week was crazy and this week is dead again. I have a hard time sitting here thinking and I wish work was just a little busier.

I have to talk to my boss soon. Last week he asked if I knew what I wanted to do with leave. I said I needed to think about it. I suppose I could have articulated then what I wanted but instead I pushed it aside and now it's all I think about. I have a real problem with confrontation and this isn't even confrontation. I'm nervous because I would like to only work part-time after the baby comes and I feel like this is a slap in the face to my boss and the museum to say that. But it's totally irrational! First off, do I really think that highly of myself that I feel this place couldn't run without me? No, absolutely not. In fact, I feel like a monkey could do this job. The job I left for this one was harder and more complex and I was definitely more needed and I left it. I left it because my daughter died and I didn't want the same old thing. I did what I felt was right for me.

I think I am having trouble with this because I don't want to have to think about this stuff right now. I analyzed and agonized over what to do after Stella was born and it was all for nothing. I have a hard time thinking that we'll ever have a baby and so I don't want to plan for anything. But I owe it to work and to my boss to give them enough time to find someone to fill this position.

R seems to think they will embrace me offering part-time but I disagree and I think my anxiety stems from that as well. I am saying to them "this job is boring and a part-timer could do it". But it's being the assistant to the Director and someone needs to be here.

My boss is totally reasonable, unlike my old boss, and I'm sure he will understand I need to put my family first. His wife stopped working when they had kids so he should understand more than anything. But I feel bad because this is a one-year post I signed on for and I am essentially leaving after 8 months. I feel like it's irresponsible of me to not finish what I started. But again, we couldn't have anticipated when I would get pregnant and I need to put my family first.

Ugh, I just hate talking to people about such intensely personal things. It's not a big deal. No one will take this personally. I need to do what's right for me and my family and I should give them as much notice as possible. It is responsible to give them notice. It is responsible to take care of my family. I need to look out for myself above all else. A job is a job. I don't even really like this job anyway.