Baby related stuff

By this point in my pregnancy with Stella we had definitely started to get baby stuff. Not a lot because we knew we'd get gifts and we'd see things we "had to have". But we were furniture shopping and browsing at cute outfits. I was probably not yet freaking out about the great baby furniture debacle but we were preparing the bedroom, planning the mural, and generally making wish lists.

With this pregnancy we haven't gotten anything. Granted we have everything we'll need, down to diapers. And if this is a boy be prepared to see him in pink sometimes, damn it all. We have too many clothes not to do it. But along with that we have an aversion, maybe even a phobia, to getting baby things. I say phobia now because our very well-meaning neighbor recently left a bag of baby toys outside our door. I saw it when I pulled up the driveway after work. R had the door locked and didn't hear her knock. My breath left me. I couldn't even peak in the bag (which is totally not like me). I couldn't even touch it. I told Rob to bring it to the swap shed this weekend because I couldn't deal with it.

I have a Jewish friend who only got the basics before her baby was born. It's considered bad luck to have a baby shower before the baby is born healthy. I see now why this is appealing. We all think this kind of thing can't happen to us but for 2,000 women a day it does.

I do have it in my mind to one day soon clean up the baby room. It became the catch-all for everything baby related when Stella died. R has been talking about putting the conversion crib parts in the attic which is a big step for him, I think. He still has trouble even walking in the room. I am mostly waiting to find the perfect memory box or chest to put Stella's things in. I have all the cards we got for her, the gifts from the NICU staff, the quilt I made for her, a couple toys and hats she had in the NICU. I want to put them in a special place where I can look at them whenever I want. I know it's going to be a tough day when it comes time to do it. Part of me wants to wait until the very last minute to do it but I think it would be a good therapy to transfer the room from Stella's room to the baby's room.

I still catch myself saying Stella's room sometimes and then I get mad at myself. It was never her room. It should have been but she was never in it. It's the baby's room now. Hmm, I should talk more with R about this. We have just a few plans to change it a little. We had photos of Barbie clothes my sister gave me up above the dresser. R has always tolerated these. I told him we could change them. He had a great idea to take baby photos of him, me, Stella, and Alice and hang them there. Then we can always tell the baby, "Here's daddy and mommy and your sister Stella and cutie dog Alice."

And even though I said we haven't gotten anything for the baby, I guess we sort of did. We bought a rocking chair from the aforementioned neighbor's yard sale last week. But I do have to add I just liked it and if it never goes into the baby's room then it's fine in the living room.  I think it will feel good to have a new chair in there. One that I didn't sit in to pump for Stella. One that was picked out for the new baby.

I have a lot of anxiety that this baby will somehow know they came second. I have anxiety that because we sort of planned to only have one child that this child will know they wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Stella's death. I've been told this is nothing. That once this baby comes they will feel all the love and not even consider that the toys they had were originally bought for another.

Sometimes I step outside myself and look back. I can't believe I am this person. I miss the old me. I miss the future I thought was concrete. I miss my daughter.