Weight, anxiety, and differences...an extremely long and random post

I have so much anxiety with this pregnancy, naturally I guess, but it is exhausting. I think it's the most tiring part of this pregnancy. Well, that and because I started out heavier than with Stella I am at like 30 week heaviness! I was 125 when I found out I was pregnant with Stella. I was at 163 when I delivered. I got down to 140 and now I'm pregnant again. My last weigh-in was last week and I was at 150 1/2. So it's only been 10 pounds for 18 weeks but I don't want to gain much more than 10-15 pounds for the rest of the time. I am trying very much to manage my weight and not gain more than I should but it's hard. It's also hard to think so much about weight, when my entire life I never really bothered with it. With Stella I was happy to gain and be pregnant. But this time I see my changed body changing more. Part of me feels like it's extra hard because I never lost the weight after Stella. But then I think about how different it would be if I really worked my butt off, literally, and then got pregnant again and was gaining again. Would I be more okay with it? My doctor and my mom both say I shouldn't worry about it. I eat healthy (most of the time) and with R. being a vegetarian we get plenty of fresh fruits and veggies. It's just another way in which this pregnancy is totally different than Stella's.

Anyway, back to anxiety. I am anxious a lot. I'm at 18 weeks today and freaking out about everything. I'm nervous about doctor appointments and I'm nervous when I don't have one for a while. I'm nervous to hear the heartbeat and nervous not to hear it. I'm nervous because I have felt a few fluttery kicks but haven't been feeling a lot of baby movement (with Stella, I started to feel movement at 18 weeks but knew for sure at 20 weeks) and I'm nervous for the time when I do feel movement because when I don't...more worry! I have no reason to worry about this pregnancy, I mean Stella's was super easy. But I'm not innocent anymore. I will never again have an innocent moment because I know too much. I hate that! I really do. I miss being totally happy and excited.

Another way this pregnancy is different is how I found out I was pregnant. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time we had a little bit of trouble. In hindsight, it was nothing much. I always had irregular cycles and it just took a while to sync up everything. But because I had irregular cycles I was having blood tests done to rule out any issues. I went to the medical center near my house to have the blood drawn. He took a lot, I don't handle having blood drawn well, it was dinner time and I was hungry, and I got up right after. It was the perfect storm. I walked outside and fainted. I fell face first on the sidewalk and came to a few minutes later with blood all over my face. And no, no one saw me or came to my rescue! I walked back into the medical center and was rushed to the emergency wing. Luckily I didn't break anything but while they stitched up my nose (my glasses cut into my nose a bit) they asked if I could be pregnant. I said I could be I guess but I didn't know. They drew blood and less than 5 minutes later they came in to tell me I was pregnant! It was really early, only about 2 weeks pregnant! When I called R., who happened to be in Maine at the time for work, I thought he was going to jump through the phone. I am terrible with surprises so there was no way of keeping that one in! I looked like I lost a bar fight but I was so overjoyed.

After Stella died, I never went back on birth control. It took 5 months to get pregnant with Stella and I kind of thought it would take more time what with the irregular cycles and the stress and all. We talked a lot about having another baby and what it would mean to try soon or wait and we ultimately decided together to just go about our business and see what happened. It only took 2 1/2 months. I, again, was having irregular cycles and it had been about 6 weeks since anything happened. I wasn't sure I was pregnant because it had been that long before. So a year and two days after I fell on my face and realized I was pregnant, I took the home test and saw I was pregnant again. It was so much more subdued. I brought it out to R. and we both looked at it, sighed, smiled and said, "here we go again." There was hope again, a light far, far off that turned on. Then I took 3 more tests!! HA!

Wow, this post has been a weird one. But this is the way my brain is these days. I have a million and one different things on my mind and in my heart.