It's too bad no one wears black anymore when grieving. I feel like there is no way to show people that you're hurting and they think you're fine. There is no fine anymore. Now that we're pregnant again people have been telling us happy they are for us and how excited. I don't feel like anyone gets how scary it is. How utterly and horribly terrifying each and every day is. Because while we are hopeful, we have been through the worst and now know that nothing is certain. Even a wonderfully healthy, normal pregnancy can end in a loss.
And then of course you still have to talk about the 'normal' stuff. You talk to family and friends and you have to talk about anything but death even though that's all you think of. And then they start to think you're okay, you're fine, maybe even you're happy. And then they say stupid things because of that. "You sound good." "You sound happy." Fuck it all. There is no simple good anymore.
You know what, from now on I'm going to wear black as much as possible. Especially on those days that I feel sad. Then maybe I can condition those around me to see the bad days before they talk to the misty-eyed, short-tempered me.
1 comment:
In my husband's culture, people still wear black when they are mourning. I always find myself reaching for black or dark blues because I just don't feel like wearing something vibrant. It wouldn't feel right.
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