The complicated path

I read a lot of baby loss blogs these days. Makes the old cupcakes blog days seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I feel like it's more than I should be reading most days because they often make me sad. But they give me hope too. I see there are others out there who have been through something similar and they have similar feelings and worries and hopes. Some are further along on this path- they have healthy, happy babies and their lives are sunny. Others are new and their paths are dark and stormy. All of these blogs help me.

There is one in particular I was reading today and she mentioned that her life is perfect, except that she doesn't have her daughter. And I agree. I have had that feeling since Stella died. On good days, when I'm with R. and we're having a great day I think, "this is great. Life is ...." But I always stop because life isn't perfect. There is always a cloud over us, over me. No matter how great a day is, how much joy fills my heart there is and always will be something missing. Someone missing.

I have always prided myself on living a simple life. In every choice I make, I always strive to have the simple, easy answer. All I ever wanted was a small house, in a small town, with a small family. I wanted to make enough money to be comfortable and have fun experiences. And I have all that, except nothing is simple anymore. I can't even have a simple emotion.

Especially now being pregnant, nothing is easy. Sure, I feel fine. I feel good. But I equally anticipate and dread the doctor visits. I long to hear the heartbeat for this little bundle of hope but I am terrified of not hearing it. I have no innocence anymore. Babies die all the time for a million different reasons and there is no assurance this baby will live.

And how could I go on if it doesn't? I can say one thing for sure. If something were to happen to baby, I would pick up and leave town. I would, quick as I can, sell the house pack up the cars and escape. Not just for the 2 weeks like we did when Stella died, but for good. I would go where I could start over and be a new person. Of course, I know that R. would go with me and that gives me some solace. But that's it.