The end of the month

I'm just going to go ahead and finish up my blog challenge because I rarely go on the computer on the weekend. I sit at it all day during the week and the last thing I want to do on Saturday and Sunday is sit inside and think some more. I think this has been a useful exercise for me. It has gotten me to think about and talk about things I wouldn't normally bring up.

Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days

When we first found out we were pregnant, we still used the term "if we have a baby" and I've noticed that has slowly morphed into "when we have a baby". It's weird because I still don't trust in the universe to make sure my baby is okay. But because life involves some planning we have to assume that we will have a baby in January. I don't want to plan; perhaps you'll remember the posts with me freaking out about telling my boss my maternity leave plans. I just want to curl up in a ball and wake up in January. Someone else can make all the decisions between now and then!

But here goes for plans for the next 365 days:

November- my birthday. I am not terribly excited about it this year which is totally not like me. I used to talk it up a couple months in advance and send gift reminders to people and bake myself something special. This year I just want to spend it with R and Alice at home. The only request I've had is for R to bake me something. He rarely bakes and I want him to spend the time to make me something special.

Dominican Republic trip. R's family usually gets together for Thanksgiving and last year when everyone was together the idea was to all travel to the DR (we've done it before and it was great). So in January of this year we bought plane tickets and then it turned out no one else could go! So we're still going! Me and R for a week in the sunshine, in the pool, eating mangu (so good), and relaxing.

December- the holidays always make December fly by. Parties, shopping, decorating. I have mixed feelings about the holidays this year. We should have Stella here and for that reason we're sad but it's a time to reflect and refocus. I want to give back more, help people who are in worse situations than us. And as much as I want to enjoy my own pity party, there are a lot of people who are less fortunate than us.

January will definitely be baby focused. If we make it to the week of January 24, then the baby will be born then. Part of me wants to go early but I would be really scared to go into labor again. At my bad doctor appointment recently, she asked me if I planned to take a childbirth class. I said I already did, a year ago, and I wouldn't be taking another. She said she wanted to be sure I knew what labor was like. Again, I said, I do know. I'm scared to start the contractions and not know how the baby is reacting to them. I want to schedule the birth and have everything go as planned. I know nothing ever goes as planned but please can I have an anxiety free delivery?

Honestly, that is as far as we have planned! That is as far as we have hopes!

We haven't made a decision about my work yet. I can't see myself coming back to this job. Neither R or I want to put an infant in day care. We both think that if we can financially swing it, I would stay home or work part-time until the baby is 2 years old or so to go a day-care/preschool program. This could mean doing a different job at this museum or finding another job maybe even closer to home. We'll see. I have good connections here and in the area and I think I can find something that would work.

And our home we hope to change this year. Now that we aren't tied to living near the train station for my work, we can move to a bigger house with more land in a different town. It would be nice to work on a new house together. Who knows how long it will take though. Our house has been on the market for only 3 weeks but we've only had 1 showing so far.


Day 30 - a dream for the future

This is a silly question to ask someone who has lost a baby. I hope to have a healthy baby in the future. I hope this baby I carry now will be born alive and will thrive and grow up. I hope to keep Stella's memory alive. I hope to get back a little glimmer of that simple life that I always wanted with the small family, in the small house, in the small town. We will give thanks for the simple things we have.