Days 10-13, and other things

I am a bit behind on my posts here so I guess I'll do a few rolled into one. We were away visiting R's old friend in NJ. It was a fine weekend; I like these people okay. They're nice but I just don't have anything in common with them except R. It was nice to get away though and take a mental break from house selling/buying. We withdrew an offer we put on a house because there is enough to see in our price range and we want to sell ours first. There was a lot of relief with that decision. Now we are waiting for someone to come see our house--lots of clicks online but no walk-throughs yet. I wish there were more because it would mean we're keeping the house clean and empty for a reason! I hate having to make sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink or socks on the floor every time I leave the house!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday as well. R couldn't come to this one but I really wish he could have. I know I am being extra sensitive but I didn't have a good visit. It was the 13th, Stella's 8 month birthday. The office was really busy and kind of chaotic. I felt really confused by what was going on. The nurse did my weight and blood pressure and urine and found the heartbeat- 169 (so fast, does that mean it's a girl? Or does it mean my babies have fast heartbeats? Stella's was always high). Then she left and a student came in. I don't care if a student is with the doctor but I don't like when they come in by themselves. They are always so awkward! I asked the student all my questions- flu shot?; the kid we saw in NJ has strep throat, should I be worried; can I have a copy of my records for our upcoming trip to the DR? And she said she would relay them to the doctor. Ugh! Then the doctor came in and answered the questions again and told me the next visit would be the glucose test and she'd see me more often now. She also asked me if I was going to do a childbirth class. I said I already did last December. She asked if I would take another because I should know what to expect with labor even though I'm having a c-section. I gave her a look and said, "believe me, I know what labor feels like." Did she forget who she was talking to? But then she suddenly left and I was sitting there wondering if I was done. No one measured my belly. I asked the nurse and she said it was a little early. I always got measured at my last doctor's office. I hate how every place is different. Then as I was leaving I saw a girl come in crying and I freaked out. I could barely hold it together to check out and get to the car before I started bawling. Not to mention, I washed my hands in the bathroom and the soap was the same smell as the soap in the NICU with Stella so I could smell it all the way home.

I like this doctor okay; I like the practice and hospital okay. But I don't love it and I wish I did. I already switched doctors twice this pregnancy and I don't want to switch again. I want to be at a hospital with a NICU but I don't want to go to Boston. I liked the doctor and hospital I was involved with for Stella but after everything that happened; I can't go back. I just want to have this healthy baby and go home. I'm scared of being in the hospital again. I'm scared of the c-section. I know as January gets closer I am only going to get more anxious and I'm scared of that time.

I'm getting all anxious again. I have to stop thinking of that and focus on something else. Let me catch up on my 30-day challenge.


Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This is an oldie of me, my sister and our friend in Florida. I don't have many old photos of me scanned to the computer but this is the one I like the best. It's so simple and sweet. Just a bunch of kids licking the beaters and bowl clean. I have always and will always love baked goods. I love to bake to get my mind off my problems, try new things, and eat delicious treats. It's also a dream of mine to one day have a small cafe where I can make yummy treats all day long! And I'd love to have a little baby cooing away while I bake.

Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

R took this photo of me and Alice at the Grand Canyon on our trip out west after Stella died. This was the point we were trying to reach with this trip. And the funny thing is that it was so icy that we couldn't do any hiking. We spent about an hour there and then drove south to Sedona, AZ.

I look at this photo and I see sadness. It was weird taking photos of each other on this trip. Neither of us wanted to smile, neither of us wanted to be in photos at all. We didn't want to see the pain; it's with us every day. The scenery was beautiful and awesome though.

And that dog is so damn cute, no?

Day 12 - something you are OCD about.

Just one thing?! I'm not exactly OCD but I do like to do certain things in certain ways. Mostly though, I think, it's because if I don't do things in order I forget to do something! R always tells me I'm a stoner without actually doing the drugs!

I can't go to sleep without brushing my teeth; a childhood of teeth problems taught me to take care of my chompers. I have a beauty routine for morning and night and if I go out of order I may forget to brush my hair or put on deodorant! Anytime I leave the house I have to say to myself: keys, wallet, cellphone. Knock on wood, I haven't lost any of those yet!

Since Stella died, I have to wear her owl locket on her days each month. She was born on the 13th and died on the 25th. A few times I have forgotten the locket, which has a snip of her hair and a teeny picture of her, on those days and I feel off the whole time. I feel like I let her down. When I wear the locket I touch it all day whenever I think about her. I also tend to wear it when we're going away or going to see a concert or to doctor appointments. I wear it at all the events I wish she was there for.


Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss

Again, I haven't read very much since Stella died but I liked The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. It was philosophical without being too heavy. It was sad without being depressing. It was clever and cute.
 
Plus, it was the book my father-in-law gave me while we were still in the hospital with Stella. He thought it would help me get my mind of things while being there. I couldn't do anything except stare at my baby.