We saw an amazing house on Tuesday and both R and I were tossing and turning all that night thinking about it. It's a great size, with a great size private backyard, well taken care of, tons of character, room to grow and make it our own.
I wholeheartedly believe there is no 'right time' for anything in life. You just make a decision and stick with it and it becomes the right time. What I am struggling with at this point is that I can take control and make decisions but I can't trust that the universe will follow through. I have been fairly lucky in life. I have hit big bumps in the road but things turned out okay.
Then Stella was born and died. Things don't turn out okay. All those other bumps in the road seem like nothing compared to losing my baby. So I can't believe that the nice woman selling her house will want to sell it to us and will wait while we sell ours. I can't believe that someone will buy our house at the price we want in the time we need to sell it. I can't believe that the universe won't see that we want this house and we're ready to move forward and not throw a huge wrench in the gears.
We used to have a magnet on our fridge, you know one of those quote magnets, that said among other things "trust the universe". R took it off as soon as we got home from the hospital. How do you trust that anything good will ever happen again when the worst has happened?
I mean technically if the worst happened then everything else must be better, even if it still sucks. It's all relative. But deep down I can't see the light anymore. The normal scale of ups and downs in life was shifted down, like this:
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| See my incredibly professional graph |
1 comment:
I know what you mean, everything 'bad' thing that happens in life after losing your child seems so insignificant. Nothing can ever touch that pain.
I hope your house sells quickly and you get that fresh start soon! :)
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