Day 27- Habits

Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.


I think my worst habit since Stella died is falling back on my anti-social tendencies. I have never been terribly social. I prefer to spend time by myself and I don't like to talk on the phone. I've really allowed myself to fall back into my own life even further using my sadness as an excuse. Thank goodness for R who is much more social than me and often plans outings with our friends. And thank goodness for the BLM community online because often those are the only people I want to talk to!

I also avoid things a lot. Like this metalsmithing class I'm taking. I like it but I don't love it and I'm thinking about not going tonight. I've been in a bad mood lately and the thought of spending 3 hours after working all day with people I don't really like and R is going out of town tomorrow night for work and I just plan want to go home and wallow in my sadness.

I think if I was not pregnant right now I would have a lot more bad habits. Often times after a hard day all I want is to drink myself into a silly mood. I know that sounds bad but I'm not a heavy drinker by any means. In fact, I hate feeling hungover so I know my limits well. But I just want those 2 or 3 glasses of wine to feel fuzzy and silly. It's not a terrible habit but when Stella first died it was almost a daily thing to want that fuzzy feeling.

Also, I don't think I would be taking as good care of myself as I am because I have a baby growing in me. Well, that's not true. I think I would be a little crazy about my body image and getting back that pre-baby body but I know I wouldn't eat very well. I don't eat as well as I did while pregnant with Stella just because I don't have the motivation to cook a big, healthy meal.