Day 20 and a pity party

I haven't been in the best mood lately. I just have so much on my mind between work, house, baby, and all the million other things that creep into my head. I have been very forgetful which is really frustrating for me. I have always been very good at keeping a bunch of things in my head and being able to recall them all the while doing a bunch of tasks. But not lately. I write myself a note and then I forget the note somewhere.

R is away tonight and I have my art class so Alice will need to be let out this evening. We asked a neighbor to do it. I had to write a note to leave the key for her, I taped it to my phone, I left it near the door so I would remember before I walked out. I did remember to leave the key but I didn't remember to email the neighbor to tell her where the key is until R called me and mentioned it.

Work is bad because I need the multi-tasking skill and it's not here. I often wonder if I'll ever get it back.

I can't concentrate on anything. I want to read but I can't get through a book without rereading pages. I want to watch a good movie but unless something blows up I get bored. I jump from task to task because I want to be busy and make the time go by fast.

I feel like I'm just waiting. My whole life is waiting. I'm waiting to sell our house, buy a house, bring home a healthy baby. I'm waiting to get my body back. I'm waiting for the next doctor appointment, the next weekend, the next trip, the next anything to keep time moving.

And then the worry sets in. What if I have a baby and can't handle it? What if all this lack of focus continues and forget to care for the baby? What if I can't do it?

Ugh, all these feelings make me so frustrated and angry and sad and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until January.


Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.

What hasn't changed since my loss? We've been living with our loss for 8 months now and at the beginning I couldn't do anything. I didn't cook or bake or read or sew or draw or hike. These hobbies have slowly started to come back though. I didn't cook or bake because I didn't feel like it but also because it was a really hot summer. We ate out a lot but now that the weather is getting cooler I just love warming up the house with the oven. I love hearty meals- lasagna, pizzas, roasted veggies. I still don't get excited to cook like I used to. I go for less labor intensive meals and stick to old recipes instead of trying to find new ones.

I started getting back into sewing too. I made Stella a blanket about a month before she was born. I've never quilted before so I taught myself how to do it. I was, and still am, proud of the blanket I made her. The funny thing is I never finished it. I made it and planned to embroider her name and birthday on it. I never did that and never really had the desire to. Maybe it would be a nice thing to keep in her memory box but it just feels better leaving it unfinished. This summer I did a few projects; I made cushions for the window seat in the kitchen and I made myself a dress. I have been slowly collecting fabric to make another quilt for this baby but I'm so scared to start.

The TV and movie watching were getting to be too much so R and I are definitely getting back into doing things. He goes out more to his ukulele group and plays music more than he did in those first few months. We go out with friends more. It helps that now everyone knows what happened so we don't have those awkward encounters when we have to explain. We hike a little more because the weather is nicer but not as much as we did. There's too much time for thinking.

That's really it- the hobbies that occupy our minds the most are the ones that have come back, the ones that allow for thoughts are slower to return.