Today I have been thinking a lot about what will happen if we come home with a healthy baby. Specifically how I think I will be unprepared. It's not that I am thinking doom and gloom all the time; I actually try to make it a point to stay neutral or positive to help this baby have a normal life. But I am focused so much on getting through this day and the next week and the next month and so on that I can't focus on what to do when I get home with a newborn.
I do have the books and the "Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD from when we were expecting to bring Stella home but I didn't read or watch before she was born and I haven't touched them since she died. I am kind of a loner and I prefer to try to figure things out on my own but I think I am going to need help with this baby. I can't imagine how emotional every day will be, especially Stella's days.
R is so sweet though. We were talking about the house selling/buying stuff this morning and I said I'm not nervous about it and because I'm not nervous it must be the right thing to do. He told me he was happy to hear that because those instincts will help me when we bring our baby home too. Being with R has taught me to trust my instincts.
Let me provide a bit of backstory. When I was in college I had a bit of a quarter life crisis. I was in my third year of a Communications program and moving towards an advertising focus when I realized I hated it. I hated the Communications world. It all came to a head when a class project was to create a positive spin to some celebrity mishaps recently in the news, like Michael Jackson's molesting kids. I was done. I freaked out, took a couple weeks off of school and escaped to Vermont with my then boyfriend. He convinced me to move with him to Vermont, go to school there and figure it all out. My stomach was in knots all the time. I thought I should follow this guy but something deep down told me something was wrong. But I did transfer schools, change my major to art history and move to Vermont with this guy. Thank goodness for school because once I was there I fell in love again with art and art history. However, the guy turned out to be a major liar. And when I say major, I mean major. I thought he was the perfect guy because he had lied to me about his past, his family, his life, everything to fit what I thought was the perfect guy. Thinking back on the few years we were together, I knew it all along. I knew he was too good to be true. I knew that feeling in the pit of my stomach was not good but I didn't trust my instincts.
When I did trust my instincts I was rewarded. I was in my fifth and last year of school and had 2 jobs that kept me busy. But I was unhappy with this guy; I had had a horrible few months with him and I wanted to get out of the house more until I figured out what to do. So I got a 3rd job. I didn't need it financially but I needed it mentally. And what do you know- I worked there for about a month and they hired this totally cute curly haired guy! He was older but super cute and really nice and we really hit it off. He helped me through that horrible time and made me recognize that my instincts are usually right. I left the pathological liar, moved out on my own and started dating this great guy with the curly hair. A year and a half later we were married.
I always try to find the positive and the lesson learned in every horrible thing and I learned from this terrible guy that I can trust my instincts.
I still struggle with finding a positive from losing my daughter. There is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back but I am comforted by the new mamas I've met. I hope one day to find the one thing I can do in Stella's name to give back. I also hope that one day I can look down on my rainbow baby and know that this perfect little person would not have existed if Stella had not come before.
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