Existing, not living

I've been having a rough time lately. I can't quite figure out what it is that's bringing me down-beside my baby being dead, of course. Is it this beautiful season that I can't enjoy because I'm supposed to be posing Stella in piles of leaves? Is it the approaching holidays? Is it the baby growing inside of me, moving more and more, reminding me of this time last year when I was blissfully unaware of what can happen to healthy babies? Is it just fatigue?

I don't know. I am thinking about going back to therapy but that would involved finding a new therapist (I didn't like the last one) and having another appointment to figure out timing on (I am already going to my OB every two weeks now) and I don't have the mental energy to figure that out. I make a living scheduling my boss's time and I can't stand to do it for myself.

The holidays are definitely sneaking up and I can't say I am really looking forward to them. Halloween hit me a lot harder than I expected and I don't even really care about Halloween. R and I were in a funky mood all day yesterday. We made breakfast, lounged around the house, R took a nap, we went for a long walk, then we went out for dinner and a movie to avoid the trick-or-treaters. It wasn't until we got home at night that the weight of the whole day came down on me. I imagined we would have a cute baby and we'd probably get together with friends and pass out candy at their house and laugh and eat candy and never know about this life.

I think that we're lucky to be going away for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I know we'll have a rough time anyway. This was supposed to be Stella's first plane trip. We bought the tickets in January and talked to a rep from the airline about bringing a baby on a plane. We decided to wait until Stella was actually born before adding her name to the reservation- thank goodness we did. And thank goodness we bought the tickets so long ago because our alternative Thanksgiving plans would be going to R's sister's house where R's brother and family would be too. That would mean 3 kids, one baby, and 5 adults including R's dad, in one small house in New Jersey. R said if that was our plan he would have cancelled. He said he would have said sorry but we can't make it. I totally understand.

Hanukkah we do only a little bit. We don't usually do presents or meals but we light the menorah. Last year we decided that the blessings normally said don't really reflect our beliefs for the holiday so this year we are going to write our own blessings. I can imagine it's going to be a more emotional time for sure.

Christmas will be tough. I like Christmas and decorating and even though I tone it down for my Jewish husband it's still a happy time of year for me. Now that my brother and sister have families and want to spend time with them we usually do a one day celebration at my mom's house with everyone around Christmas Day. I must say I am dreading this day. I have been feeling very angry at my brother lately because he hasn't been there for me since Stella died- physically or emotionally. I haven't gotten a phone call or email from him in months and I haven't seen him since last Christmas. I would be fine not seeing him at all. And I feel like my sister has been distant lately too. I know it's hard to know what to say but I have said to her again and again, when lamenting my brother's behavior, that anything is better than nothing. Yet, unless I call or email her I don't hear from her for weeks. All these things make me more self-conscious and make me feel more alienated. I should feel comfortable with my own family, no?

And then there's New Years. R and I don't usually go out; we don't like the crowds. This year will be more of the same. We'll make dinner at home, gets some movies and settle in. I haven't actually stayed up until midnight in a few years. I just can't wait to say goodbye to this year and hope 2011 is better to us.

As much as I want to enjoy the holidays, I am mostly looking forward to them because they provide a distraction. Time always flies when there is something to do. But I feel like that's all we're doing right now-filling the time, going from one task or event to another. It's a terrible way to live.