Life

Thank you for all the birthday wishes. My husband is so wonderful and made it a really nice day. It started with coffee and presents. I got some Hunter rain boots and a bag for my sewing stuff, a CD, and a journal with owls on it and a beautiful card saying that R always wished he had something his mom had written to him when he was a baby or when she was dying of cancer when he was 14. He wants me to write to Owl and tell him/her what I'm thinking and feeling and wishing and hoping for. That was the first time of the day I cried! We had challah french toast and got ready for my mystery day. The destination was Mt. Holyoke for a short hike, then lunch at one of my favorite burrito places in Northampton, then to the Eric Carle Museum of Picture Book Art in Amherst. We refrained from buying any children's books but we talked a lot about our favorites and about our wishes to be able to get them soon. Then it was home for lasagna and some Wii playing. When we went to bed I started crying again. It was nice day but not perfect and I really felt the hole in my heart all day.

It didn't help that the night before our neighbor called and said they picked up some Stella Artois beer and thought of us and asked us to come over to have one. These neighbors have been so great to us since Stella died and it was a weird coincidence that they called on the 13th-Stella's 9 month birthday with Stellas. AND when we got there they had a gift for us- an immersion blender. We had been talking about buying one and they picked up on it and bought us one. They said it's a easy way to make baby food too. It's a weird way to see signs I guess but we all felt a little closer to Stella than usual.

Anyway, it was an emotional roller coaster of a weekend.

Also, at my last doctor appointment I was chosen to take part in a study on depression during pregnancy and post-partum depression. I went for the first visit yesterday. I talked with the lead psychiatrist of the study about Stella and Owl and life and everything. Talking it all out made me realize what a bad state I'm in right now. I think I was doing okay for a while. I was able to somewhat focus at work, granted it was super slow. I was able to go for a week or so without crying or without having anxiety.

I feel like I'm sliding back. I don't feel like cooking a lot anymore. I don't feel like going to my art class. I don't feel like doing much of anything. I cry almost every day. I feel anxiety every morning before I go to work. I have been wondering if I should take some extra time off work, but I don't want to lose the income so soon. We're going on vacation next week and I hope it helps me recuperate and make it through the last 8 weeks of work. I want to be strong for me, for Owl and for R. I know R feels my backslide and is feeling it himself too. As the due date comes closer, all we can think of is the baby. But we can't prepare anything. We're stuck in this limbo of wanting to get excited and not wanting to get our hopes up.

The psychiatrist says it sounds like I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and minor depression. I would have never thought I had depression but I guess I can see it: the lack of concentration, the exhaustion, the wanting to sleep all the time, decreased appetite. She asked if I was seeing a therapist and I explained why I wasn't. She said there are therapists out there that can give me ways to deal with my stress and not focus so much on digging up my past problems. I almost asked her for a recommendation but I stopped myself. I feel like I have so many appointments right now, do I really need another one? But the more I've been thinking, the more I realize I kind of do need one. Especially with the anxiety increasing as the due date comes closer. Again, I want to make a decision over vacation and pick a new therapist after that.

We leave on Saturday and I could not be more relieved. I need a break from life. I need some sunshine and swimming and walking and eating.