I passed!

I figured because I hadn't heard from my doctor in a week that I passed the 3-hour glucose test and I did! With some pretty good numbers too. Oh thank goodness! I think I need a muffin today to celebrate another 3 months of carbs!

We also had another ultrasound yesterday and got some great pictures of the baby. Now I have a confession---I found out the sex of the baby a couple weeks ago. I wasn't going to say anything but I am terrible with secrets. We're going to the Dominican Republic soon and I requested my records to take with me in case anything happened we wouldn't be showing up at a hospital with no history. I was looking through the records to read all about our baby and it was right there on the previous ultrasound report: Genitalia (sex of the baby). I wasn't surprised; I had an idea. It was reassuring and comforting but honestly I didn't feel any different then when I didn't know. I don't love this baby any more or less.

I was home alone when I found out and I was determined to keep it from R. Well, that lasted about a week and a half until we were having another go at baby names. I think we have a name picked out but I felt like we needed to go through the lists again just to make sure. R asked me, "so how do you feel not knowing the sex of the baby?" I looked at him and said, "well...." I was afraid he would be mad at me because he would think I went looking for it but he doesn't seem mad. I didn't tell him the sex but I told him how I found out and why I didn't tell him and that I wouldn't tell him unless he really wanted to know. So life went on.

Then yesterday at the ultrasound he told me he thinks he saw the sex of the baby on the ultrasound report screen at the last ultrasound. He said he saw something that said "Gender" and then had a letter after it. I laughed so hard! He knew?! He said he was trying to ignore it but he was pretty sure that was what he saw. Then he admitted that he was going to ask me to share the sex when we're on vacation. So we both know and we're both happy. I don't think knowing changes anything about this whole process but we're still going to keep it a secret. It's something we'll hold for us and share when this little one comes along.

Now, if only January would come sooner. Both R and I have been having a really hard time lately. I'm not sure exactly what's causing this but we're both messes. I am back to crying pretty much every day. I am overwhelmed by everything. I can't handle little things. Work is hell for me. I can't concentrate and focus. I am barely doing the minimum at work, which I hate personally but we just had to let someone go so there's more work to go around. I thought I would be content to be busy and not as bored as I was during the summer but I want that time back. I want to waste time away. I hope vacation will help. Then it will be December and holiday shopping and plans and get-togethers will take up time and energy. But I'm terrified of everything. I'm scared of the c-section. I'm scared that this baby will die too. I'm scared that this baby will live and I won't be able to cope. I'm scared this baby will be hard to handle and I'll wish that they were Stella.

Speaking of these feelings, I was tagged for a post-partum depression study through the hospital where Owl will be born. I am still deciding if I want to do it. It means more appointments and more blood drawn but it also means I would be watched closely for post-partum depression. I would say I am at risk for sure but the study questions were so broad. They didn't ask why I was feeling like crying all the time, why I can't focus, etc. I just can't decide what to do with my life anymore.