Words

I know I've talked before about words but reading what Missy had to say about that moment she found out her baby had died brought me back. What I get from reading others' experiences, besides not feeling alone, is that they help me remember or help me to think. I get stuck in thought ruts and reading what other people say helps to break me out of those ruts, for better or worse.

What are the words that stick with you? When you found out your baby had died? Or when you found out your baby wouldn't make it? What sticks in your head in general?

I have a few. I have "she'll be back in a day." And "cautiously optimistic." And "devastating."

The last one is most powerful. When the attending doctor in the NICU was sitting across the table from us with the neurologist and the nurse, that was his first word. We were waiting to hear what the result of the MRI scan was. The EEG was no longer showing seizure activity though there was definitely seizure activity, so it had to be deeper. Only a MRI could tell how bad the damage was to Stella's brain. Would it mean a lifetime of feeding tubes, seziure medicine, hospital and therapy visits? No. It was devastating. It means we have no idea if she will breathe on her own when the ventilator is turned off. It means we have no idea how long she will keep breathing. But her brain will not be able to keep her breathing for very long. It was almost 4 days.

I miss you, Stella.