Deep breath. I got a message today from my doctor's office. The c-section is scheduled for January 25 at 10am.
So, unless this little one decides to come early that will be the birth day. I have all sorts of mixed feelings. I was at first giddy because the day is finally set. Then I was amazed that they can schedule a baby to be born. Then I was horrified because it's a 25th. January 25th will be 11 months since Stella died. Is that bad luck? Good luck? Nothing but a coincidence?
It makes me want to go early. But then I'm scared to have contractions and possibly progress too far to have a c-section.
I have been having a rough week and last night I was feeling just done with being pregnant. I am hot all the time and feeling big and uncomfortable. R and I haven't really gotten it on very much lately because I feel so crummy and it's hard to concentrate when there's a baby moving between us! Even when one of us is feeling frisky it doesn't always match up with the other. I have been pregnant for almost a year and a half straight and I'm tired of it. But I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to rush it because if something happens then this is the only time I get to spend with my baby. I am mad at myself for wishing it to be done.
And R told me he was talking to various people about the pregnancy and he mentioned that the odds are with us- it can't happen again. I started freaking out and crying because it can happen again! And if not the same thing that happened to Stella, then a million other ways! I can't believe this is going to turn out okay.
And the other thing that pushed me over the edge this week was at my doctor appointment yesterday R asked the doctor what exactly happens at a c-section. I can't think about it. I can't prepare for it. I am terrified of the c-section and being at the hospital. I don't want to do it. I want to give birth naturally again but I just don't think I can mentally handle the not knowing again. I don't want to be in this position. I don't want to make the decision.
But, to end on a positive note, I scheduled a bunch of non stress tests for the weeks leading up to the c-section. Hopefully if anything is looking weird as the date approaches they will catch it.
6 comments:
I just wanted to say good luck-the anxiety toward the end was so bad :(
I delivered my twins vaginally but had a c-section with my rainbow and I know everyone has dift experiences but my x-ssection was an amazing experience. Im sure itll be great!!!!!
I can't imagine how anxious you are feeling about this. It must be incredibly nerve racking! I am glad that they set a date for you and I wish nothing but a boring and easy delivery for this little one!!
Here for you whenever you need to talk or need a virtual hug! I talked about you tonight in group (consisting of me and the group leader) and how I feel fortunate to know someone who is going to do this (pregnancy after a loss) before me and give me the hope that I can do it too. I know you are terrified and probably to the point of insanity and I wish I could take that away for you. Thinking of you and holding you dear at heart.
January 25th!! :) It is so odd knowing the day isn't it? It feels so weird to me as well.
Your comment about being frisky made me laugh. Its been so long here I can't remember! lol No seriously like FOREVER! After awhile I let the fear of anything happening comsume me. My poor husband!
Worrying about the c-section is normal. I honestly would do the same. Do you know which doctor will be performing it? Can you ask to meet them? Have you done the tour? I need to schedule that ASAP.
I am happy you have some nonstress tests set up. Those are so reassuring! Are they bipohysical ultrasounds or non stress tests? They list my biophysicals on my printed ultrasound appointment sheet as non stress tests. :/
Our little babies will be less than a month apart! Well if these contractions ease up!
Missy, I know what you mean. Knowing that there have been others to go through this before me is very reassuring. When I see photos of rainbow babies just born, it makes me believe it can happen. Can't wait to see Malory's baby any day now!
Malory, I think my OB Dr. Kondylis is doing the c-section. I haven't done the tour and I don't think I want to. I'm nervous to see the place and love it or hate it. And I don't want to see all the babies in the nursery. I just want to show up at 8am on January 25 and leave a few days later with a baby! I think they are NSTs- with those lovely bands, only one more ultrasound on January 3!
It will be great that your little guy and my little (?) :) will be so close in age! Can't wait to meet him-maybe sooner than the 27th!
Your post just broke my heart. I know the incredible, paralyzing fear you are facing right now.
People tell me, too, that nothing bad can happen now - that nothing bad can happen again. How can they say that??? There are absolutely no guarantees. And statistically, it can happen again. Once you've been on the wrong side of statistics, they will never comfort you again.
Now, on the other hand...
I'm excited you have a birth date. You are so close to having that sweet baby in your arms. I know you are terrified... but please know I'm out here thinking of you daily, praying for you and your little one.
I hope you have many moments of peace and joy in the coming weeks. I wish I was there to give you a big hug!
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