Today Heather over at The Sphors are Multiplying was talking about what she would tell her 16-year old self, if anything, about her loss. And naturally it got me thinking. If I could go back in time and talk to teenage Amanda I wouldn't tell her anything about her loss. The only thing advice I would give is to relax and enjoy life more; you never know when things are going to take a turn for the worst and you'll be happy you were blissful while you could be.
I think the harder question is if you could make it so that the loss never happened but the baby never happened, would you do it? This one I don't know. To never have felt Stella kick, to have seen her develop, to never have experienced her birth, and saw her beautiful face, and to share those things with my husband: would I give up those things to be blissfully unaware now? Would you?
Maybe I would be pregnant now but would I be constantly reassured every time the baby moved? Would I hold this pregnancy closer for fear of losing it? I know I wouldn't have the support of the many amazing women I've met after losing Stella. Of course, maybe my family would be there for me more. Or not. I have my suspicions that my dad and brother would have fallen out of my life regardless of losing Stella.
I'm not saying I wish Stella was never born. I'm not saying I would take it all back to have a light heart again. I'm just saying when your thoughts are so dark, it's hard not to think about all the what ifs.
2 comments:
It is truly hard not to go there. I spend to much time in what if land and for what? I don't think I would tell my sixteen year old self a thing. Haha because my sixteen year old self wouldn't have listened to a word future self had to say anyways. And I'm with you, I would never take away all the time I did get to spend with my son. Thinking of you and Stella and sending love.
Wow have I thought about this over & over & over...
I also would not tell my teenage self about the loss I would endure. I couldn't imagine having that linger in my future. There is a ton of things I have learned in lessons I would share though.
I also would not change Janessa's existence for the chance to erase all my pain. Although sometimes I long for my old life so very much. She has changed me so very much & made me who I am now. I love her as much as Jayden & hold that time I had with her so very dear. There is a quote on my blog that says what I feel (or there was but I am editing the 2nd header)...
“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.”
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