Isn't it weird?

I've been feeling okay lately. It's so weird and I feel like there is no pattern to my feeling okay or miserable.  The holiday season is in full swing and, surprisingly, I'm okay with that...for now. Every day is different.

I almost bought a Christmas tree the other day and the only reason I didn't is because I want to wait until Hanukkah's done. We've been lighting the menorah and I'm okay with that too. We decided this year to not say the traditional blessings because we feel they don't really apply to us. We are grateful for everything we have but we don't feel that we have to thank God in Hebrew to give thanks for what we have this season. R picked song lyrics he likes and we've been saying those while we light the candles. It works for us. Part of me knows deep down we should have Stella here and we should be starting these traditions with her but it doesn't depress like I thought it would. There's still time though.

I've been listening to some holiday music. Again, not as depressing as I thought. Neither are the lights and decorations people are putting up. I like to drive home different ways to see the crazy things people put up. A yard full of inflatables? Am I the only one who thinks these things are crazy?

I've done some Christmas shopping. I'm not as excited as I have been but it's not a bad feeling. I like to give gifts. They just happen to be wrapped in red and green paper. R has been great too. He's a good gift-giver and has taken some of the decision making off of my hands.

I even sent out Christmas cards! What R and I have done in the past is we come up with a cute idea and  I draw cards for our family. Each one is hand-drawn and colored and has a silly scene. Usually it's Alice in some silly outfit with a thought bubble saying "humbug". Last year I drew myself with a big belly. I thought I would be drawing one with Stella this year. I didn't think I could handle that level of involvement this year so I considered buying cards. R and I were in Boston this weekend doing holiday shopping and saw some cute stamps. So we picked out a few and stamped our cards this year. In a row is a snowflake (for Alice), a group of 2 stars (me, R, and Stella) and an owl (for Owl!). It was easy but still personal. I don't think anyone will get the references though!

Of course, I did turn down a Christmas party. I don't generally like crowds. I don't generally like parties. I thought about going to keep busy, to be among the happy, to feel normal. But I wouldn't feel any of those things. I would be miserable seeing people be happy and people with babies and people with normal lives.

Sidebar: I did go to a baby shower yesterday. I was super nervous but it was for an old high friend, Malory, who lost her beautiful Janessa last year. I knew that the people there would know what happened to me and that made it easier. No "is this your first?" question and no pretending this is my first pregnancy. I knew I could get up and leave if I felt overwhelmed. I had a fun time: fun games, good food, and good company.

I wouldn't say I am looking forward to Christmas (you all know how I feel about going to my mom's house and seeing my brother) but so far I have been able to avoid the triggers. I want to get the shopping done early so I don't have to fight crowds, no malls on the weekends, limit the Christmas movies. We have plans to go the movies on Christmas day. It will be hard for sure but it means we get closer to 2011.

I'm 7 weeks away now from meeting this little baby. I'm beyond terrified but I want to believe that this baby will be okay. R and I bought the first thing for Owl this weekend- an owl rattle. It was a big step. We both saw it and loved it. R has been very quiet about this pregnancy. He hasn't wanted to, and hasn't, told many people. I had to convince him to tell work before January! Seriously! This weekend he told an old friend out in California. It only took 32 weeks but he's coming around. He's the best.