Every path is different

I've been reading a lot lately from other BLMs who are trying to get pregnant and not yet succeeding. It all makes me analyze my own situation. "They" (doctors, psychiatrists, people in general) recommend waiting 3-6 months to a year after losing a baby to start trying again. It's because you are grieving and need to grieve for your lost child and lost future. I totally get it. We didn't wait.

I had trouble when I got off the pill the first time around. I have always had irregular periods and mainly went on the pill in college to be able to stop freaking out every time my period didn't come for two or three months. When I went off the pill to try to conceive, I didn't have a period for three months. I was freaking out that something was wrong with me. I had ultrasounds and bloodwork done to make sure my ovaries were fine and all my hormones were normal. One of those bloodwork sessions was where I fainted and found out I was pregnant with Stella.

When we lost her I didn't want to go back on the pill just to have the same problems again. I thought we would wait and see what happens and if down the road I wanted to go back I would. Then I got pregnant. We were not prepared for it. It's not that we weren't happy because we were. It was more of a step forward than a step up from our grief. For a very long time I thought it was too early. I thought we did the wrong thing.

Now I see, through learning about the experiences of others, that we did what was right for us. When things get hard for me being pregnant and working through grief and life, R asks me what would our lives be like if we didn't get pregnant, if we waited? I think I would be more of a mess. I think I would be waiting for every period. I would be dreading every negative test. I would analyze every drink I had. I would analyze every bad thing I was thinking of doing. I would be working with no real goal in mind. Or would I? Would we have sold the house sooner? Would we have picked up and moved across the country like we talk about?

I have no clue. Every path is different. At first, when I thought this baby was coming too soon I felt bad. I felt like I wasn't loving this baby enough because I was so sad. Somewhere in the past 7 months my feelings changed so subtly I didn't even notice. I no longer think that this child wouldn't be here if Stella was alive. I think how grateful I am that I am able to have another child. I love this baby so much. I can't wait to meet him/her.

I wish I could turn the clocks forward for all those who are trying to conceive. I wish I could fast forward the days so you don't have to analyze every missed day, then every cramp, then every test. I wish you all strength and peaceful minds and a big pair of blinders for the holiday season!