I don't want to be so busy. I'm tired. It's been a busy week at work and last night we had friends for dinner and tonight is my work holiday party. R is going and I am a little nervous because he hasn't interacted with many of my co-workers. He'll do fine with the small talk, I have no worries about that. R is so personable. But I'm worried for him because he doesn't get bombarded by baby questions 5 days a week. He doesn't have to tell his customers anything. He doesn't see his co-workers.
I have told very few people at work about Stella. Because I got pregnant so soon after starting here I didn't want everyone to know me by my loss. It is a part of me but I don't want it to define me or this pregnancy and baby. We are more than loss and sadness. We are hope and laughter too.
People will say those things to R that I brush off so much but he never hears: "you better get used to no sleep", "everything is going to change", "you must be so excited". All those silly little comments that people say that have no experience with loss. They don't understand the weight of their words.
And I'm tired. We fill our days and nights to the brim for fear of the thoughts that creep in when we're quiet. I have to ration my baby-loss reading. I can't always read the hundreds of ways babies can die. I'm too scared. I read all the ways that Stella didn't die and want to keep those thoughts away.
So tired. Tomorrow I need to do a little shopping for my nephew's birthday. I need to start making my sister's Christmas gift. We're having a holiday dinner with friends. On Sunday I bought theatre tickets for us. R likes to see plays; I could give or take them. I had an offer for half-off tickets so I got them as an early Christmas/late Hanukkah gift for R. Of course, I will still buy him way too much! Then it's back to work. I have to fit in grocery shopping and laundry and cleaning in there. And playing with the dog and eating and sleeping.
I wish I could just sit on the couch and relax but I can't until we have a little baby here with us.
4 comments:
I had to take a break from babyloss reading too. I'm back at it now, and it's still way too damn emotional. But I can deal with it a bit better. I hope the holiday party goes okay. I'm in that phase were I prefer to shock people with offhand comments about dead babies.
I know exactly what you mean about limiting your reading of all things babyloss. I have had to restrict myself, too. Otherwise I'd me more of a nervous wreck than I already am!
Sorry you're so worn out lately - it looks like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you can find a few days here and there where you can simply sit at home in your PJ's and relax.
Thinking of you so often!
Hey there, sorry you're so tired, but when you get rested you need to send me your contact info so I can send you your ornament! It looks so pretty already. cdrichards188 at gmail dot com
My reading here comes in waves. Sometimes I just can't handle it & need a break. Other times I yearn for the understanding. I am just glad its here for you when you need it. I am too :)
Post a Comment