Reflection

I was reading my daily list of blog updates and was inspired by Wyatt's Mommy to talk about reflecting on 2010.

I remember back when 2010 was starting and reflecting back on 2009! In 2009 we had started trying to conceive. I wasn't having periods and was having all sorts of tests and appointments. Then in June I fell on my face and we found out I was pregnant. As 2010 approached we reflected on how hard and confusing 2009 was but we were pregnant and all was right with the world.

January 2010 was a happy month. I had my baby shower which was so much fun. I am not a big party person and not really a fan of being the center of attention. It was clear, cold day and it was warm and cheery in the room filled with friends and family. I was amazed by how many people from every phase in my life had showed up to celebrate. I finished up work the end of January so that I could have some restful days off before my life became crazy.

It became crazy alright. We went to the hospital on Thursday night (2/11) after I had contractions 10 minutes apart all the night before and I wasn't sure if my water had broken. Everything was fine so we went out for Indian food. Then around 4am on Friday (2/12), Stella's due date, we went back to hospital because the contractions were back and coming every 3-4 minutes. We were admitted and settled in for the long haul. Then around 10am my contractions slowed way down. We had long discussions about going home versus staying in the hospital. Everyone was pretty certain my water didn't break so they could break it to move things along but I hadn't slept in 2 nights and wanted to go home and sleep a little. Everyone assured us we'd be back soon. We went home and I managed to sleep even with contractions about 10 minutes apart. At 6pm, the contractions were strong again and we went back to the hospital. Twelve hours later, at 6:05am on February 13, 2010, Stella was born. And everything that was supposed to happen didn't. Within a couple hours she and R were on an ambulance on their way to Boston and I was alone.

Twelve days later she passed away in our arms and we left Boston without her.

We hung around for a week. People came to visit, we picked up Stella's ashes at the funeral home, we watched TV, we ate some, we slept some, we cried a lot. Then we decided to pick up and leave for a while. When we were in the hospital with Stella we often talked about escaping for a while. We weren't wishing the short time with our daughter away but we needed to know there was something to hold on to life for. We packed the car with luggage and the dog and drove west for 2 weeks.

I think the thing that made us come back was the lawyer. I don't want to get into particulars but we believe the outcome could have been different. We are looking into it.

R slowly went back to work. I continued on my maternity leave while looking for a job closer to home. When May came around I left my old job in the city and started my new job. Then a few weeks later, June 6 (a year and 2 days after I found out about Stella), I found out I was pregnant.

We were scared and stunned and a little hopeful at the beginning. I couldn't believe I would have to tell work and start the whole process again. R didn't want to tell anyone at all until we had a baby!

So the summer went on and we kept busy. It's odd though because I know we didn't spend as much time in the backyard as we used to. I always imagined being out there lounging on a blanket with a book and Stella and watching Alice hunt for squirrels. I let my garden go. The only thing that grew this year was a rogue cucumber plant.

I ticked off the 13th's and 25th's of each month and wore my owl locket for each one. I wore it to things we would do that would make me smile so that Stella could feel that happiness-concerts, parties, exploring the city. I wore it to ultrasounds and blood tests.

We slowly began to leave the nursery door open more and more. We decided to put the house on the market and had to clean up the room to look like maybe a baby lives there or will soon and not like a mausoleum to our daughter.

So for some reason Blogger decided to freeze and didn't save the revelation I just had. I won't try to recreate it because the words never come as well the second as the first and I'd just be annoyed.  I'll save it all for another post on another day when I am feeling inspired...today is not that day.