Well, it was bound to happen. I'm feeling crummy again. I have been feeling a sort of desperation lately. It's the only word that comes to mind when I am feeling this tightness in the chest, the tears right under the surface. I haven't felt this extremeness of desperation since Stella died. I think it's been building because we're 6 weeks away now and it's becoming real. I know every baby-loss mom has those milestones of the month, week, day, moment their child died. Mine is birth. Stella was fine until she was born, then we found out everything was wrong. I'm terrified that we're going to, once again, think everything is okay and then it won't be. Giving birth isn't the safe zone for me.
I have also been going into the baby room a little more often. Missy from Mommy's Sunshine sent me a leaf with Stella's name on it and we went in to put it on the shelf (I need to take a photo). Also, I have been peeking in the dresser drawers. I look at the tiny socks and the pile of hats and the neatly folded blankets. I want to use them. I have that desperate feeling of just wanting to use them. To dress up my baby. To keep him/her warm. And safe. To sit in the rocker and nurse our child. To smell that baby smell. To feel that softness.
I have a phone call I need to make weighing on me too. I have yet to call the pediatrician to tell him we're having another baby. I know I need to and he, and his staff, were amazing when Stella was in the hospital. They even sent us a sympathy card when she died. I'm sure he'd be happy to know we'd like to come back but I'm scared to explain the story to the receptionist and I'm scared to remember how excited we were to have him be our baby's doctor (he was so good about our vaccine request and desire to raise a vegetarian child).
On a positive note, I won a giveaway! Car from Hello Goodbye is making Christmas ornaments and I won one for Stella! I found out this morning and it was a much needed lift. We just decorated the Christmas tree last night. I was sad but not devastated. It's very pretty and I love that we are slowly collecting ornaments together. My cat ones from childhood dominate the tree. But we now have a couple owls, a leaf, and a banjo. Next will be a beautiful 'S' ornament for Stella. So bittersweet.
But, to look forward. I have a doctor appointment this week. And then they start every week. And I also have a pregnancy depression study appointment this week. It's funny because all the questionnaires I have to fill out say "in the last week". If I had to fill them out last week I would have been fine. This week, though, is a mess. And next weekend, we have nothing planned. Nothing! And we intend to keep it that way! I just have to get through today, this week, the next 6 weeks, and then at least we'll know.
1 comment:
You are so brave. I haven't managed to touch any of the baby stuff, not that I have any need to. But I look at it a lot. I hate that you don't know and that we even have a reason to think like that. Sending you big hugs and love and hope.
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