NST and a rainbow baby

I had my first non stress test today. It was supposed to be Monday but with all the snow and windwe had our car was vibrating something terrible on the highway on the way to the hospital. I was too nervous even though I was sure it was just snow or ice in the wheel drum. I was really bummed and then on Tuesday Owl had a slow day. I was really, really nervous but every time I thought I should call the doctor there was a little tiny movement. Wednesday I was near the hospital with all the funeral things going on so I promised myself that if I didn't feel the baby move first thing Wednesday I would go in to have a check. Well, yesterday this little Owl was practically doing flips in there. I know babies have slow days like people but Owl needs to understand now that Mommy is crazy and needs constant reassurance.

Yesterday was the funeral for my sister-in-law's mom. I am thankful that I got to spend much of the time with my niece and nephew and not in church. It made everything so much easier. My 6-year old nephew got to feel the baby move. He was really cute and curious and his eyes got so big! He went to tell his dad as soon as he saw him. My 8-year old niece was less impressed but both of them agreed that I would have a boy because I already had a girl. I am glad that they are aware of Stella even if they may not understand everything that happened.

So this morning was the NST, which I have never experienced before. Everything went very smooth. I got in and the nurse strapped on the monitors and I lay on my side trying not to stare at myself in the mirror that was directly in front of me. R had to work so I was by myself in the room just listening to Owl's heart and pressing my Jeopardy clicker whenever he/she moved. The nurse asked me when I last ate and because it was a couple hours earlier she said she would go get me some juice to help wake the baby up. She came back 5 minutes later and looked at the tapes and said, "I guess you don't need this." This baby can move. It was a long appointment and kind of boring but it was a good time for me to focus a lot of positive energy towards the baby and think about getting this baby out safe. Needless to say I beyond terrified of the c-section and the quiet time to myself was good.

After the appointment I went to visit Malory who had her rainbow baby at the same hospital I'll have mine. I really value the help she has given me this year and I am so incredibly happy that everything worked out for her. Her new little son is perfect. He's tiny, only about 5 pounds, and the absolute twin of his older brother. And so much of Janessa in him too. He is the first baby I've held since Stella. I can't think of a more perfect time to hold a baby again. Not that I really thought of it before holding him but it was so different than holding Stella. So benign. Stella almost always had IVs and tubes and nurses all around. It wasn't easy to hold her. Holding Jordan was simple and normal. I think it helped too that he was so much smaller than Stella was. She was 7lbs 15oz at birth and she had a lot of swelling from fluids so she was always pretty chunky. I think it helped too that he is a he and not a she. But it was all just great to sit and hold him and talk with Malory and her husband and feel normal for once.

My spirits are once again buoyed by another rainbow baby born healthy. The only thing is it deepens my desperation for everything to turn out okay for me and to have my own baby. I want to have one. And should the worst happen, first I think I would just shut off but I don't think I could have another baby. I think this is it. But I want to be the one in that bed tired and relieved and passing my baby around to smiling visitors. It's one thing to hold a baby and have tears in your eyes and be smiling and another world to have tears in your eyes and be trembling.