Tomorrow

By this time tomorrow I'll be prepping for surgery, well, others will be prepping me and I will be silently freaking out. The past few days have been...crazy, weird, scary, fast, slow, surreal.

Thursday ended up being my last day at work because of the latest snow storm. It was a weird day. This group of girls I work with, who I don't like very much and don't really even interact with that much, took me out to lunch. I like to call them the Mean Girls but only a couple of them are actually mean. The others are all just followers. I just felt like I was in high school again, pretending like I cared what these girls had to say! I was nervous because I didn't want to have to talk too much about my pregnancy and plans with these people that didn't know my past. Luckily the other pregnant girl spent most of the time explaining to people the merits of cloth diapers versus biodegradable diapers versus disposable diapers. I ate a lot of foccacia bread!

Friday morning was snowy so I spent the morning tidying the house and being lazy. Luckily by the afternoon the snow had stopped because I had my last NST and I did not want to miss it. Everything is still normal; normal movement and heartrate but I need things to go as planned right now. I couldn't miss my last NST. It would feel like a bad omen. The NST was fine and it gave me a little more comfort for the weekend. Friday night I watched Inception while R fell asleep at 7:30pm. Good movie but it gave me THE craziest dreams all night long!

Saturday I was up well before the sun. Because R had fallen asleep at 7:30 he got up at 3:30am and then went back to bed around 5:00am when I got up. I got in some good thinking time and then slowly started freaking out. I was looking at the What to Expect book, which I really haven't looked at very much this time around, to make sure I had packed everything I needed for the hospital. Then I read a little about the recovery from a c-section and started to worry. With Stella I wanted completely natural and I still do but I can't mentally do it. I can't wait and I can't not know what's happening. I don't want to hear that the baby is fine and then 2 hours later my baby comes out not breathing. I need to hear all is well and then 15 minutes later we hear our baby crying. I am super nervous about the surgery and then recovery and having the overwhelming emotions of having an actual living baby and trying to learn to take care of it and learning to breastfeed. Or the worst will happen and I will lay in bed the rest of my life, which will be short because I'm sure my heart will just stop beating.

And, yesterday, Sunday was much of the same. We saw various couple friends this weekend while staying busy and everyone has been so supportive of us (more so than some family members, but I am staying positive right now and not dwelling on their issues). It really, really means a lot to me that so many people will be thinking about us at 10am tomorrow morning and sending their positive energy. So many people are waiting to hear good news just like us. I think that is going to be my happy thought for tomorrow. We are lucky to have people in our life that truly care about us and about the outcome of this journey. I have gotten so many positive emails from baby loss mamas too and those mean so much to me too. Many of them are not pregnant and are frustrated with trying and waiting and yet they can still send me good thoughts. The strength and courage of you all is amazing and lifts me up in those scary moments.

Well, the time has come to go get my pedicure! :) I haven't been able to see my toes for a long time, let alone paint my toenails, and I need to stay busy and feel relaxed. Deep breath.

I hope by tomorrow night to at least post a photo...with a name. Thank you all for following me this far. I hope there is more good to come. I hope....