One week from today

Wow. In one week, we will have our baby. I hope. If anything, we will meet our little Owl. It's so bizarre to think about now that's it's in less than a week. With Stella we did a lot of "lasts": last trip to the movies, last trip to the mall, last dinner out...before our life changed forever. Well, it did change and we went back to the movies and the mall and out to dinner and were miserable. This time we haven't really done any of that. I know I'm just feeling this way now because I'm scared but I don't want to say any of those things. But I'm mad at myself because I think if we have this baby home and I never said those things, I'm going to regret it. How weird is that even to think? That I will really care about it? I truly doubt it but this week is going to be a doozy!

So this past weekend was a little crazy. R's sister and 7-year old niece came to visit from Saturday to Sunday. It was a nice visit but a little strange because we had planned to go sledding and to the mall and out for dinner and all R's sister wanted to do was veg at our house. Now this was fine with us, especially because we know R's sister has a lot on her plate. She has a 9-year old autistic son, a 7-year old daughter with some crazy food allergies, a full time job working with special education kids, and all the other things a normal person deals with. But she was a little off. She told me and R also that some of her friends and acquaintances lately have been diagnosed with cancer and someone recently died of a heart attack. Obviously this has been on her mind.

Anyway, they left on Sunday evening to go back to NJ and an hour later we get a call from R's dad. R's sister was having chest pains on the way home and stopped at a hospital. After a few hours of going back and forth and back and forth with the whole family, we figured out where she was (which happened to be my home town!) and we were in the car to go and be with her and her daughter. By this time it was after 9pm so we figured they were going to keep her overnight and we would need to take her daughter, J, home with us. They had done a bunch of tests and everything was coming back okay but they wanted to be sure there wasn't something hiding and wanted to monitor her and also do a stress test in the AM.

We got home with J around midnight and she immediately fell asleep on the couch. What a trooper. If that was me when I was 7, I would have freaked out majorly. She was quiet but calm. She did come into our room during the night to tell me she couldn't sleep so I went to lay on the couch with her and she was asleep within minutes again. Yesterday R had to keep his work appointments (because we have limited time for him to sell his Valentine's day chocolate before the baby comes) so I took J to the mall. I bought her some little thing at the American Girl store (what a crazy store! A goldmine, but crazy!) and we went for lunch. She kept telling me she wasn't hungry. Because of her allergies, her mom has instilled in her mind that food is scary. Poor thing. The only things she would eat with me were granola bars and dried cranberries. R met us at the mall and we switched. I went home and he took J back to her mom so they could leave for NJ before the snow came today.

In the end, there was nothing apparently wrong with R's sister. They found some spots on her liver that she should get checked out but other than that it was nothing. We think it was stress and she had a panic attack. She holds things in. She carries these heavy weights of life on her shoulders. And honestly, it doesn't seem like more than anyone else has to deal with. You can't do that!

It really made me realize how, even despite this horrible experience and year we've had and all the crap my family gives me and no matter how stupid work gets, I am fortunate to be able to let things go. I am still angry and sad and my heart is heavy and I am exhausted. But for all the crap in my life, I see the light. I count my blessings. I take pleasure in the simple things in my life. Like today, I am home because of the snow/ice storm with my dog in my pj's in the warm house with my loving husband. Sure, our daughter died, we're one week from going through a similar experience and have no idea what will happen. My family is still dumb. But life is what you make of it. I have days I can't get out of bed because I'm sad but there are more good days than bad days and I feel good for that.

Now, hopefully this will be a wake-up call for R's sister. Perhaps she'll eat better, reduce stress. I don't know. But it reinforces for me the things I do to feel good about myself. Bad things happen to good people and there is a lot of loss and darkness in the world. But there is goodness and light too. We all need to teach those around us to see it, in whatever way we can.