This isn't what my life is supposed to be

Another end of pregnancy issue I am having to deal with is work. After losing Stella I really couldn't imagine going back to my old life and job. I couldn't imagine taking the 3 hour roundtrip train commute to Boston to see everyone that knew what happened and either get pity or have them pretend nothing ever happened. I couldn't go back to the same old issues and arguments that, in the grand scheme of life, mean nothing.

So I got a new job closer to home. I was amazed that I got the job. It was the hardest interview I ever had because I was so sad. It was 2 months after my daughter died and I had to pretend that I was still working and had so much to give.

I like this job but I don't love it. I used to be more of an office manager. Now I am more of a secretary. But as I get ready to leave it, I am really feeling conflicted. I won't come back to this job. My boss wants a full-time assistant and I want a part-time job. I hope I can come back to the museum in some way. But I don't know what to say to people. It feels so final.

It's supposed to be a surprise but I know people are planning on giving me a gift and part of it is a membership to the museum. People don't realize I can see my boss's email. This one girl, who is due April 1 and is the most annoyingly blissful first-timer, is spearheading this gift idea. I am touched that she wants to do something for me but I also get the feeling that she is only doing what she ultimately wants people to do for her when she leaves on maternity leave.


But a membership? Does that mean I can't get in anymore? I need a membership card to visit now? I am already having a really hard time with the end of this pregnancy and everything that comes with it, including planning for the future. And this is not what I thought my life would be.

I already feel like such a jerk for starting a new job and immediately getting pregnant like I'm some teenager who doesn't know how to use birth control! And for committing to a year and leaving 9 months later. And for leaving my boss with a temp, who is going to drive him nuts.

But mostly I feel like a jerk because I am a much better and more dedicated worker than I have shown in the past 9 months because I am so completely consumed by my personal life. I have always been the one to keep work and life separate (except for marrying my boss, I guess! R used to be my boss!) or at least keep personal issues at home.

In the past year, my world has been turned upside down and everything I ever thought about life has been shattered. I know once I see this little Owl everything else will become absolutely irrelevant but, like I said yesterday, I don't believe any of it will happen.
I don't know what I'm really trying to say here, except that I am crazy!