Signs

I used to believe in signs. I used to believe everything happened for a reason. I don't believe those things since Stella died. There is no reason 2 wonderful people who want a baby so much should be denied that while others who don't deserve babies have them all the time. I never really saw signs of Stella after she died. I always secretly hoped to hear an owl hooting in the middle of the night or to see a shooting star but nothing ever came.

Then for some reason in the past few days I have been practically bombarded with owls. It started when I was in the L&D triage on New Year's. I was coming from a bathroom trip with R helping me schlep the old IV pole around and he said, "look at her scrubs." A new nurse had come on the floor with owl printed scrubs on.

Then when we were at the hospital for a couple appointments yesterday we went to cafeteria to sit while we waited. We turned the corner and right there was a sign with an owl on it. I mentioned it to R and he said, "yeah, it was there the other day too."

THEN, we get home and I'm opening the mail. We have been getting an influx of junk mail lately and one of the catalogs we got was a party favor catalog and the entire cover - front and back - had owl themed party things. Pink on the front, blue on the back!

Owls keep popping up around me. I still have a hard time seeing positives though. I know expecting the worse won't make it hurt any less should it come true but it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That's how it was in the hospital on New Year's. We kept hearing those phrases that all OBs use to tell you your baby looks fine. We heard those with Stella and then she died. R finally said to one doctor that it didn't matter if the tracings looked perfect because we don't believe it. That made them stop and think and they agreed to let me stay overnight for observation. We felt better and they felt better and in the morning when everyone's heart rate was back in normal range we felt good enough to leave.

Speaking of our appointments yesterday, we had an ultrasound and a regular check-up. The ultrasound was fun and we got some good looks at the baby, unfortunately not too many shots because this baby never stops moving long enough to take a photo! One thing we did notice is that Owl has some huge cheeks! Estimated weight is 6lbs 5oz, with 3 weeks to go. Could this baby rival Stella in weight and still be a week early? And all the biophysical tests were great: tone, movement, fluid, breathing movements. I saw the breathing movements and I almost started crying. I also saw the cutest little sucking movements while he/she tried to shove their fist in their mouth. I cannot wait to meet him/her! January 25 cannot come fast enough.


One more thing.

R just called me at work to say hi and we started getting into how crazy we both feel with only 3 weeks left and how unprepared mentally we are to actually bring a baby home and how almost sad we are that we don't have the same excitement as we did with Stella and then he said something that made us both start laughing and it just reaffirms why I love him so much. He said when this kid is old enough to start asking for a little brother or sister we're going to bring him/her to the animal shelter to pick out a kitten or puppy. We both started giggling and said every time it comes up we're just going to go get another animal. We're going to be those crazy people who have a hundred animals!

We don't want to admit it but this is where our hope is. We don't have the strength to do this another time, with our Owl or not.