11 months today

Thank you for all the love yesterday. I was a mess going through the bin. My sister-in-law gave me this LLBean tote bag with "MOM" embroidered on it for my baby shower with Stella. I loved it, and I still do, and I couldn't wait to use it. It was my baby hospital bag with Stella. I packed it with her going home outfit and blanket. We did end up bringing it to the hospital because we thought we'd be taking her home...even if it was with hospice care. We wanted her to have her bag. Then she died the morning we were going to take her home and the bag became a holder for mementos from the hospital. She had her newborn hat, the wool hat that the NICU gave us because she was such a big baby that the newborn hat was too small, and there was a hat given to me by a nurse at the hospital where Stella was born. She took care of me the day that R took the ambulance with Stella and I was left alone to recover. She brought it to me that night and told me that it was knitted by women who say prayers while they knit. I'm not a religious person but it really meant a lot to me. We also had the comb we used to comb her long hair. R always used to spike it up in front. We had the newborn hospital blanket and the blanket with leaves we brought from home. Honestly, those things were okay. I think it made a difference that they don't smell like her anymore.

Then I started to look through all the cards we got. Some of them were from people before we knew she would die. They are so hopeful. Then the ones after she died are heartbreaking.

But what really got me were the photos. Because we have the house on the market we don't have any personal pictures up in the house. I haven't looked at the photos in a long time. They are heartbreaking. She was the biggest baby in the NICU. She weighed 7lbs 15oz at birth and retained a lot of fluid so she was always over 8lbs. We always used to say she looked healthy too but looking back at the photos now, I see that isn't the case. She started to get pale before she died. Her temperature was slowly dropping for days so she was always wrapped in blankets and in hats. We even slept with her at night; so what if it was dangerous! But she was not healthy looking. It broke my heart all over again.

I pulled out a couple photos to take with us to the hospital. And I took the little bird stuffed animal we had with her in the NICU. I wanted it to be Stella's only but it's so cute and it deserves to be used.

This morning R asked me if I wanted the bin put back in the attic. I wanted to start crying and say no. That's all we have of Stella. I want it to be out all the time. But we don't have the room. And until we do, I am planning to put together a shadow box for her footprints, hats, comb, etc.

In other news, R's sister is coming to visit this weekend with her 7-year old daughter. I like them and are glad they're coming but neither of us can figure why now-it's cold and snowy and I'm 37 weeks pregnant. And why not wait until we have the baby? Part of me thinks perhaps it's because of our experience, maybe she wants to see us before something bad happens? I imagine that's over-analyzing it a bit but I like that explanation.

People still don't understand. I know the people in my real life haven't experienced this and truly have no clue what we're going through (that's why I am so grateful for this community) but I can't believe the things people still say and do. R was telling his dad that he didn't want his sister coming up if her kids were sick or even a little under the weather. The whole hospital/stomach bug thing freaked him out big time! His dad said, "don't worry so much. You just wait and see about sick kids." It's enough to make you want to hang up the phone! Even those people who know us and know what happened let these things slip.

But then, on the other hand, you get people on my side of the family that think if you don't mention it, it must not be bothering you. After countless times of telling my sister that I want to talk about Stella and what happened and how scared I am, she continues to evade the sad times. Speaking of her, she still hasn't mentioned what she's doing for her son's birthday. I still wonder if she'll throw a party on February 13. I really hope not.

11 months today. Unbelievable. I feel like this year has been a black hole. Something so dense and dark no light can escape. A void. Something that is constantly consuming the environment around it. It's there and everyone knows it's there but there's no light coming from it.

Here's a question for you guys: we never did a birth announcement for Stella. I'd like to do one for Owl, if we get to that. Should we incorporate Stella in a birth announcement? Or should we keep it only about Owl? I was thinking we could include a quote about Owl being a rainbow baby.  Or we hope to use something for the middle name that reminds us of Stella, maybe a little explanation like- we chose the name "..." in memory of Owl's big sister, Stella. Thoughts?