Parenting is 98% luck

I told my mom that parenting seems to be mostly luck. You try a million things and if one thing works you look like an awesome parent. She told me it's more like trial and error. I had to disagree because what works one day doesn't always work the next! Parenting is 98% luck, 2% holding your breath.

Eleanor is now 4 months old.

She's getting to be so alert and interactive now. It's amazing how much more aware she is of her surroundings. She's very curious. When she's awake she wants to look around all the time. She loves to people watch and kid watch, especially. Wherever we are, if she hears a kid she looks all around. She's 25.5 inches tall and 14lbs 8oz. We're now up to 3 bottles of formula a day with morning, night, and middle of night, if she needs it, of nursing. I must say these formula diapers are horrendous!! I knew the poop was going to change but oh my goodness. I practically have to hold my nose!!! She's awake more during the day which is fun but it means I get less done because she likes to have my full attention. R got her first laugh a couple weeks ago. It was so amazing! He was razzing her neck and she had this evil little sounding laugh. Since then she has changed it to be a high pitched squealing/screeching laugh. But either way she has this huge toothless grin as she grabs your face and waits for the next razz to start.

But the new month is bringing new challenges. We're still figuring out which formula to use. We started with regular and she seemed to get bad gas and cried with the pain. We went to gentle and that seemed better. Then we tried soy and she seems to be doing good. She hardly even burps. Of course, she also seems to be eating slower than before, which could be part of it too. But do we go back to gentle or stick with soy?! Does it even matter? I feel like she's more hungry with the soy. Is that a real thing? Argh!

The next challenge is that suddenly Eleanor seems to hate R! In the past few days she screams whenever R picks her up or tries to give her a bottle. I've been back to work one weekend day a week for 3 weeks now and her and R spend all day together. She is good for most of the day but then cries around 5ish and won't take a bottle. Granted she is cranky most days around 5ish, even if I am home, but it gets to R. This past weekend I worked Saturday and Monday and it was so flipping hot R didn't do much. I think Eleanor got bored and R got bored and they fed off each other's energy. So she cried. Then Tuesday I went to yoga at night and R had to give her a bedtime bottle. She cried. Since then she screams whenever he holds her. Sometimes it's right away. Sometimes it takes 15 minutes. But it ends the same and R gets so frustrated he has to put her down which makes it worse and he can't calm her down. I have no answer. I try not to go to the rescue but I can't stand to hear her cry. It breaks my heart. I know it breaks his heart too.

And it's especially tough because R has been in a funk lately. This time of year is very slow for him for work and he doesn't always know what to do with himself. Before, when I worked, he would go out and take the dog for long walks. But because I'm home he tends to hang around more. He's bored which leads to thinking which leads to analyzing and over analyzing everything. He wants to move, but there's no way we can sell our house right now and even break even. He doesn't know where he wants to move except Oregon, that is all the way across the country. He's been missing Stella and wonders where we are with the legal aspects of our loss. So all these things have been bringing him down, and me.

Both R and I have been feeling Stella's loss a lot lately. I don't know why now. I felt like on Monday at work every little kid that came into the museum was 15  months old. Stella would be 15 months old now.  I'm supposed to have that. Stella is supposed to be walking and exploring. I should be the one taking her to the museum and not sitting there watching other kids run and play.

Then there's the vaccinations. We talked to the doctor about Eleanor's reactions at 2 months. He didn't seem overly concerned, which made us mad. She had a fever of 102! The cut-off for bringing her in was 102.5. We were a half degree from bringing her to emergency room. Isn't that serious enough to warrant some kind of special attention? The doctor wanted to give her one shot a week to see if we can figure out which shot made her sick. I guess that would work but what if she gets the fever again, or the pain or diarrhea? How can we bring her in the next week? Does it mean a month of sickness for the poor girl? We're trying to make life more normal not make her sick every 7 days. We're going to get a second opinion from a different doctor next week. Then we'll have a plan of action. If we're going to wait to give her the shots, then I wish we could give agree to that and stop having to talk about this every 2 months.

I really hate to wrap up posts with negative thoughts. It feels like going to bed mad. I feel like I have to make up with the universe after venting. So I will end with this cute photo:

Okay, one more:



Has drool ever looked more beautiful?