5 and 16 months

It's been so long since I blogged. Eleanor is now 5 months old and she is even more demanding of my attention than ever! She has become so much more interactive and even when she could probably play by herself I get so engrossed in playing with her and watching her. I've never had this kind of close interaction with a young baby. I used to babysit but never you kids this young. Eleanor amazes me. I love to watch her figure out new things. She can roll back and forth and see what toys are on her mat and then pick one specific one to then chew on! And she chews on everything! She can grabs things and really hold on now so whenever she gets her hands on something -pop- it's in her mouth! She's drooling like crazy. She soaks through her clothes every day. Not only can she roll back and forth, she can roll over now too. I love to watch her roll over onto all her toys. She seems so surprised! She can't get back to her back yet so it usually heads up with crying and me flipping her over. But because she is able to flip on her own now she's tolerating tummy time much more. Her head is slowly becoming less flat! Hooray!

She's also getting better at sitting up. She only needs minimal holding. She also really likes standing! She holds on my fingers and stands so tall! Sometimes she "dances" too. And she;s really digging the jumperoo now. I make dinner and sing and dance in front of her and she laughs and laughs and jumps!

That laugh. I understand now why parents are so dumb. You will do *anything* to get that laugh or smile. I make up such dumb songs and dance like a monkey just to see Eleanor light up.

We;re on all bottles now. I had a harder time giving it up than I thought. Because Eleanor was so reluctant to take the bottle we had to feed her facing out and I really missed the cuddle time, especially before bed or at night. But I figured out a good way to cuddle her while feeding her her bottle now. And she falls asleep in my arms practically every night now. I think the hardest part was when we were down to just one nursing session a day she didn't want the breast anymore. After everything, she told me when she was done. It was bittersweet.

Things have been a little tough lately and I'm not sure what always triggers the sadness. On June 25th, Stella had been gone for 16 months. She would 16 months old. She would be walking and talking. There is a year of my life that went by in a haze of tears. I love being home but sometimes it leaves me a lot of time to think. Am I doing enough to remember Stella? The other night I lay awake in bed remembering the hospital and remembering my time with her. I don't think about it often but I don't want to forget one detail. It's all I have of her.

In the hospital with Stella, when we were sure she wasn't going to live R and I would sleep with her. She was all swaddled and her temperature wasn't very good so we would tuck her in that little hospital cot with one of us and sleep. Now I love to sleep with Eleanor. I don't know if I think this is a bad habit to start or not but I like it. She usually starts to fuss and would wake up around 5am but when I bring her to our bed and hold her binky in and hold her she can sleep easily another hour or more. I love it but sometimes I look over at her swaddled and sound asleep and she looks so much like Stella I want to cry. I don't like to watch her sleep. It's too much like she might never wake up. I only ever watch her long enough to be sure she's sound asleep and breathing.