I'm annoyed with technology. I had this whole post written and with one click it was all gone. I hate giving it all for nothing. But I guess I should just be pleased that I got the words out of my head in the first place.
I have a post about Eleanor being 6 months old that I've been writing for weeks now and still not posted. Perhaps this evening.... Funny thing is I'm at work writing right now, just like this blog started.
I've been having a hard time finding the time or energy to write. I'm having a great time at home with Eleanor and I can't pull myself away. And at night I just don't have the energy to blog. I think I've been feeling a little blue lately. I am overjoyed with my little chickie but it's hard to redefine who you are around another person. I want to be a strong positive influence and keep my interests but sometimes it's hard to and then I feel guilt and annoyance that I'm not being a super mom. I like to sew and do crafty things but I haven't since E came around. I thought I would and I get mad at myself because I could technically make the time I suppose. But I don't.
Same with blogging. I want to write about my experiences with Eleanor but I feel blank when I sit to write. Even when writing in my own personal journal, I find it hard.
I feel stuck. It's part not knowing this new person that I am. This new mom. It's part that I want to move. I'm sick of our house. I want a little more room; something new or different. I want to be in a town I really like and take E to a park I really like. I don't know how we're going to be able to sell our house. Nothing in my town sells. Especially the little houses like mine. Then where do we move? Do we move acorss the country? R can't give up his job. It's a great job. He sells chocolate. He works from home, makes his own hours, and, come on, sells chocolate! He obviously makes enough for me to stay home. How can he quit for us to pick up and move somewhere completely new? But we don't know where to move around here.
R doesn't seem to understand. Did anyone else have a hard time with the transition? And it feels worse somehow because with a rainbow baby I feel like I should be over the rainbow. But life isn't perfect and I feel like I need to come to terms with that.
1 comment:
I did have a hard time with the transition but I was in total denial until after Reid died. When my daughter was born, I threw myself into mommy-hood and didn't look back. I didn't make an effort to keep a part of my life about being a person separate from a mom and that totally came back to bite me after Reid died. I don't have any good advice for getting through the transition, but I think the fact that you are aware of the difficulty will help. And having E in your life is wonderful but you still are entitled to feel down sometimes in a regular new mom way and in a mom missing her baby way too.
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