Thoughts

R and I have been in a funk lately. This rainy spring weather doesn't help. We've both been a little weepy. Sometimes when I'm with Eleanor it hits me what we lost. Stella's life was so surreal- being in the NICU the whole time. I can't believe we now have a baby at home. We make the decisions for her. It's not easy.

The other day we went to the store and this woman had a baby in the shopping cart (or as R says wagon-so weird, right?!!). We are constantly surprised by the size of babies because I feel like Eleanor is huge so we often ask people how old their babies are. We asked her and she said 14 months. All I could think of is that Stella would be that age. What would she be like? Would she be smiley or serious? Would she be a good eater? Would she love to snuggle?

Next week we'll find out officially how huge Eleanor is. Every once in a while I pick her up and I realize she feels suddenly heavier and bigger. She still hates tummy time but she's starting to spend play time on her mat on her side. She rolls back and forth to her side and ends up moving in a circle around the mat! We're working on taking naps in her crib. Right now she usually sleeps in her swing but I want to try to quit the swaddle at night so I figure if we can get her to sleep during the day without a swaddle then we can get her to sleep at night without the swaddle. She sleeps in the crib just fine but she still wakes up after only like 45 minutes. But as of now she still sleeps the longest in the swing.

Also, breastfeeding. Ahh, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding. This is still happening because I am crazy! Eleanor is now taking a bottle! Hooray! Any bottle, given by anyone, with anything in it! It only took 3 long, long weeks! But she seems to get an upset stomach when we feed her by bottle. At first we thought it was formula so we stopped that and gave her breast milk. But R gave her 3 bottles on Sunday, while I was working, and she seemed to have gas then too. She is a fast eater and eats a lot so maybe she is getting a lot of air but if you pull the bottle away to burp her she screams. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of burping? Sigh. As of today, she had a bottle with "gentle" formula. We'll see how she does with that.

In the meantime, I am now feeling bittersweet about giving up breastfeeding. It's our bonding time. It's our snuggle and be warm and quiet time. It's the only time in my life I will do this. (We don't plan to have more children.)

But I still remember all the reasons why I wanted to stop. In fact, I went back to work for one day last weekend (I am no longer the assistant to the director at an art museum. Instead I work the front lines-visitor services one day a week. So far, so good.) and I had to pump. Pumping sucks but doing it in an office at the museum, while trying to eat lunch at the same time, hoping everyone respects the "do not disturb" sign is one of the worst experiences ever!

I'm rambling. My head is spinning. I feel so discombobulated with all the thoughts of Stella and starting work and all the cold rain and figuring out Eleanor's feeding and everything else life throws at me.

I guess a cute photo of Eleanor will help.