Thoughts

I survived Mother's Day with only a few tears. I think I cried more leading up to the day. I wrote my mom a long note with her card. I feel like losing Stella clouded the fact that I was a mother last year. Only my mom got me a Mother's Day card last year. This year with that experience and with having Eleanor I finally reached the realization of everything my mom has done for me. Not just dealing with a fussy baby and snuggling the baby me, but the past 28 years of raising me. I'm sure it wasn't easy. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my mom took care of me and my brother and sister. She had to deal with us and working full time. And I finally understand the depth of love that my mom feels for me. I love Eleanor more deeply and more completely than anyone or anything in my life. No one will ever love her as much as her mother does.

But this is not easy. Sometimes when it gets hard I like to think of all those dopey people out there that raise fairly normal children. If they can do it, we can. But some days are better than others. Right now the bottles are getting easier...for me! Ugh! Now Eleanor will take a bottle from me but no one else. Sigh. R tries and Eleanor cries and cries. R gets frustrated and Eleanor feeds off that. Crying usually turns to screaming. Screaming that can only be controlled by swaddling and getting her to take a nap. R is feeling frustrated because he wants to play with her and he forgets she's still really little. He wants her to pick up a toy and interact with him. He wants her to sit up and babble. He's having a tough time with patience. It's hard for me to watch him struggle because I know I can swoop in and make her calm down but I don't want to do that to R. I try to give him advice that I've gathered from hours and hours of caring for her. He needs to learn to comfort her. It's all practice for the future. But he seems to give up mentally so soon and shuts down. He often mixes up her signals. He waits too long to "rescue" her when she's fussy. He complains about back and shoulder pain from holding her. He tries to put her down when she doesn't want to. He tries to control her; make her sit on his lap to watch TV when she wants to be walked around the house and look in all the mirrors.

I haven't spoiled her, have I? I carry her a lot but it's easier than dealing with a crying baby. And I do make my life revolve around hers. I go out when she's eaten and she's getting ready for a snooze. I come home when she's getting fussy. I jump up to get her binky when she's trying to fall asleep. Is it me?

Sigh!

In other news, Eleanor and I went to our first story hour at the library today. It's an interactive hour with stories, songs, puppets, and dancing for infants and toddlers up to 2 years old. She did great! She was so alert on my lap and was looking at all the kids. She was the youngest but she was so well behaved. She didn't fuss at all. She sat there drooling and chewing on her hands and mine. I bounced her and held her and sang to her. I felt like it was a really special time for us. I'd go back. And by the time we got moving in the car she was passed out asleep! Plus, maybe I can connect with another mom. I don't have any mom friends close by with babies Eleanor's age. I love the online community and it has been a huge help but there is something to say for that person that you can go and grab a coffee with.

And finally, a cute picture of a baby and a dog!