Socializing

I have never been a super social person. Don't get me wrong; I have friends and I enjoy spending time with people I'm close to. But I generally don't like groups. If I had a choice to go to a party or spend a night watching TV with a friend I would choice the night at home 100% of the time.

That being said, since Stella died I've gotten a new job that is closer to home and I have a lot more free time not spent commuting. I have always wanted to join a book group. So I went to Meetup.com and joined a new group and got all ready for my first group, which I then had to miss because of a work engagement. So the second meeting comes around and I read the book and was all excited to go and as the day went on I got more and more freaked out. I was so afraid to meet new people in a group. I was afraid someone would ask me about myself and if I had any children and then what would I say?!! And now that I'm 13 weeks pregnant I am starting to show and I am feeling the anxiety of what if people ask if this is my first child. I actually haven't even told anyone I'm pregnant yet; I am that freaked out about everything. I don't want to deny Stella but I don't want to push her death on anyone. So I ended up not going to the group. I felt like a huge failure. I went home and cried and felt sorry for myself. I don't know how much of it is the whole adversion to the group or how much is genuine grief.

However, R. and I did go out recently with a couple that Rob knew through work. I had never met them but we knew that they lost two babies due to genetic problems. I was totally fine going out with them not knowing them. And we had a really nice time.

But I was a mess at the Compassionate Friends support group.

So it seems this experience with losing Stella has just reinforced my anti-group mentality. I imagine at some point I'll be able to be in a group without thinking that everyone is looking at me and reading all the darkest thoughts in my mind. But until then, am I going to feel like a bumbling fool or a complete failure?