Healthy and here

I have meaning to post for such a long time now. I feel like having a baby is so much more time consuming than I thought it would be. I used to think that babies just eat, sleep, and poop. And yes, that's all they really do but it takes up so much time. Not to mention that half the time, the baby won't sleep unless she's ON me or being held by me! Eleanor has recently been introduced to the pleasures of the baby bjorn. Now I can type with two hands!

Eleanor Moon is now 7 weeks, 2 days old. It has been hard and sad and rewarding and exhausting and amazing. I don't even know where to start to explain. I'll start with the amazing. After I feed her or when I pick her up from being fussy and Eleanor nuzzles her face into my neck or passes out asleep on my chest I just feel this complete sense of peace. I feel a love deeper than anything I have ever felt.

Exhausting is going to sleep at 8pm because I know if I don't Eleanor will wake up in a couple hours and I will be falling asleep with her on my lap.

Hard is breastfeeding. I don't like it. It's going fine. Eleanor is gaining what she should be and looking great but I can't stand breastfeeding. I hate being wet most of the time. I hate that when Eleanor gets gas or shrieks after a feeding because her tummy is upset that it's something I ate or something I did. I hate not having the freedom of feeding her wherever and I hate that I feel selfish for wanting to stop. It all stresses me out. It will be a topic of discussion at her 2 month doctor visit next week. I wanted to give up at 3 weeks but I feel like it was more emotional then and I stuck it out. This time I made a complete pros and cons list of breastfeeding and bottlefeeding. I have done my research into formulas and bottles. It's not an emotional decision I might regreat, it's a rational decision I have thought about a lot. I stuck it out and now I'm ready to move on.

Sad because when Eleanor falls asleep in my arms so completely that her head is back, mouth open, and eyes just slightly open she looks exactly like Stella. She is the blonde haired version of her big sister. It brings me back to that sad time but it makes me remember how lucky I am to have Eleanor is my arms.

Rewarding because on Tuesday I got my first real smile! I've had one more since then and R got one on Tuesday too. It was awesome and I can't wait for it to be a regular occurance.

Sometimes it's hard to stay positive with the huge change in lifestyle. I had a big talk with R the other day because I feel like my life has changed completely and his hasn't. I am a little resentful when he says he's thinking of going to get a drink with a friend. Or he can make appointments whenever he wants. Or when he talks nonstop about work or plans when all I can think of is when did Eleanor eat last and when can I take a shower. I have to admit the cold weather had a huge negative impact on me and I'm glad it's getting warmer so I can go out more for walks. I am so sick of daytime TV. I don't want to rush anything but I just want Eleanor to be a little older. I want to be able to predict her sleeping and eatin more. I want to be able to go to mom groups and meet other moms in the area. I want to have a place to go once a week!

I am lucky, though, to have R working at home. He can hold Eleanor if I want to take a shower and she's fussy. He can help with diaper changes. He's there so I have someone to talk to throughout the day. It must be terribly lonely for moms who are alone all day. I'm lucky I can stay home and I don't have to think about daycare or sitters. I'm lucky that we're all healthy and here.