Adjusting-part one

I have to admit adjusting to life with a baby has been hard, very, very hard. Every day gets a little better but it has not been an easy week for me. Eleanor's first day was great. She was alert for a while and then slept away the afternoon. She was a champion nurser. She has the world's most powerful suck for sure. My mom came and met her and we just full of joy and disbelief. It was all so easy. Then overnight it happened that Eleanor started to want to nurse more...a lot more.

On Wednesday my sister came and some friends. We didn't get the sleep we needed. We were still on the high. R went home for a bit to pick up a few things, namely his ukulele, because there was more snow forecasted and he would definitely not be able to go anywhere at night.

Wednesday night came and we got tired but Eleanor did not. She wanted to be fed. She would nurse for 40 minutes, then conk out for 30 minutes and be ready for the next round of 40 minute nursing. I knew that nursing wasn't going to be easy. I heard it takes practice and patience and it hurts at first. Did it ever! On Wednesday I was exhausted, with painful nipples, and a baby who wouldn't leave them alone. By Wednesday night I was in tears. I was getting so frustrated with each feeding because Eleanor would be shrieking and it hurt when she chomped down. I was tired and overwhelmed. The feelings of the past two days caught up with me and I started sobbing. The nurse that night was super nice and, even though we really didn't want to at first, convinced us to let her take Eleanor to the nursery for a bit so we could sleep. When R didn't protest I knew it was the right thing to do. They gave her a pacifier, which I didn't want to give her but it worked wonders. I was afraid she would immediately get addicted and we'd have a 3 year old with a binky problem. So far, it hasn't happened. Most of the time she doesn't want it now.

Anyway, on Thursday we went home. It was shocking to me that they really just let you leave. You have a 2 day old baby and they check your car seat and say good-luck! We made it home okay and showed Eleanor her room and the house. We pretty much then settled in. It was emotional. I wished so much that Stella had been home.

But the nursing was getting worse. I was getting even more frustrated and so was Eleanor. At one point she chomped down so hard on my nipple that I immediately started sobbing. R came and held her and quieted her down while I wailed.

I want to like breastfeeding. I want to feel the connection with her while we sit quietly and I feed her. In my head I know it's best for her and I want to give her what's best. In my heart, I want to enjoy time with her without having that pain and frustration. I want to be able to sleep more to enjoy her and talk to her and sing to her.

The first few days R was overjoyed (he still is, of course). I would hear him talk on the phone with family and friends and he was over the moon. I felt awful.  Not to mention I picked up a cold at the hospital so I was congested, blowing my nose all night. I didn't feel like kissing Eleanor or touching her. I was afraid I would get her sick. I would hear R's voice just loving on her and singing to her and dancing with her and I was seriously depressed. It was all I could do to eat. I was a mess. I cried almost constantly. I still don't feel 100% good but I'm getting better.

On Friday we went to our pediatrician because ours wasn't able to come to the hospital before we left. It was a reassuring visit. Eleanor had gained back a couple ounces since the day before so the doctor assured us that even though the nursing was hard, it was working. We talked in length about maybe doing a combo nursing and formula. I got the number of a local lactation consultant and I actually had her out Friday afternoon.

I know it's their job to keep people breastfeeding and I could definitely feel that. She told me that in the 4-5 day range after birth is often a low point for people. If I could stick out each feeding then I got closer to developing the right milk supply. Then I could make the decision to switch back and forth and not have to worry about my milk not being enough. I was worried I would regret stopping and she told me I might regret it. The longer I stick it out, the better.

So here I am a week after that and I am still going. I dream about passing her to R for a feeding and me sleeping and feeling much, much better. It doesn't hurt quite so much anymore, except for the few seconds of latch on. But I hate the leaking and the sweating and the constant sitting. I figured if I feed for about 30 minutes at a time, plus a few minutes for setting up and finishing up, and getting her ready for sleep it's like almost an hour each time. Multiple that by 8-10 times a day. That's 10 hours a day I am sitting and feeding her.

I feel like I sound like such a jerk. I feel like a jerk for feeling this way. I would relish the time back with Stella. I think of the lost hours I could have spent with her. But I can't deny how I feel now.

More to come soon. It's amazing how fast the time goes between feedings. Wow.

Alice keeping my boppy warm